This is the Story of No Torso Man...

In the world of odd shaped bodies, Lawrence Brinkley was a round peg in a square hole world. Lawrence was unique because he was born with no torso. That’s right, he has all the necessary internal organs to function like you and I but he does not have a true torso. The nature of the abnormality was not determinable at birth but as soon as Lawrence was born it was clear he was missing a large portion of the middle of his body. Because Lawrence was otherwise healthy the doctors decided to conduct no major lengthening process or traction or any other radical procedures when he was an infant. They thought by leaving the problem alone it may correct itself or maybe it was like a bad case of scoliosis, maybe they could correct it in a few years.

So Lawrence was sent home, he is from the Charleston, SC area and his parents, Tom and Jean, were loving folks who had raised 3 other children, Chris, the oldest and then his two sisters Anne and Margaret. All the other children were normal except for little Lawrence. Lawrence was always happy and bright eyed as a baby but as certain parts of his body grew, there was no place for his torso to develop. He was basically a head with a short neck and small area of skin and bone that connected to the lower extremities. His organ were intact but compacted into a smaller space than most people and he had a large protrusion off his backside. His arm pits lie just above his hips. He stands 4', 10".

Everything from the waste down and the neck up functioned just like anyone else. Despite the physical disability Lawrence lived a normal existence health wise, however, he has never been accepted in “the real world” and outside of his family’s small farm ranch house and dusty backyard off Route 17,people think he is freak. Everywhere he goes Lawrence is known by one name and one name only, No Torso Man. He used to hate the name and jeers and the insults but what he really hated most was that he would never look “just like them” and he knew it, but none ever knew what it was like to be “just like him” either. Lawrence had been hiding his feeling and something else for a long time.

As a kid when he played sports they had to put the number for his jersey on his ass and crotch. When he went to prom in high school he couldn’t wear a tux because he couldn’t sport a cumber bund and with no torso a vest would look even worse. When the abdominal fitness craze of the early 90s hit and it was “6 minute abs” here “washboard this” “marky mark got paid what for his abs??”And “I have a Crunch board, that’s how! You stupid No Torsoed Freak Show” it was especially hard on No torso man. But he never shared what he was going through, the pain, the cruelty, the hurt. That is not until now.

Behind the façade No Torso Man was a small ship in a rough ocean, and the rain never seemed to stop. He tried to beat the swell back and keep his boat afloat but at times he began to sink. He knew the people who loved him felt sorry for him and that others never took the time to get to know and see he was a person who laughs and cried and bled just like them.

The interview you are about to hear is No Torso Man’s first public appearance since taking the microphone at a presidential town hall meeting and exposing himself under a long raincoat to be the most well endowed man most people have ever seen. If you have lived with the Bambuti Pygmies you are granted exemption from that class. For everyone else however, it was a shock. That day he let the world know that while he may not have a torso, he does have a voice…and one hell of a hammer. The clip received 26 million you tube hits before being taken down and No torso Man was a sensation. People took to him because they felt his pain, they too, in smaller ways knew what it was like to be insecure and wish your body looked different. At first he was embraced. He invited everywhere from the White House to meet with President Obama to Jay Leno, Oprah, the list was endless. In the Presidents words “You know, let me be clear, this is not some ordinary piece of equipment, we are dealing with something entirely new here. I know Joe and I haven’t and Nancy...well…actually Nancy probably has but this equipment should be celebrated with a beer in the garden. This is unprecedented” Leno gushed “how many guys would give up a torso for a package like that!!!”

No Torso Man has never taken one interview, after the event he slid into the darkness, until now. He needed the money like anyone and it would have been a great streak in the limelight but something nagged at him. He didn’t want to be a freak or a spectacle but he did want to be heard and he wanted people to know that despite what he lacked, he had a lot to offer too…and he was tired of being ignored and not getting the girls and no one being interested in him physically. It was his was of saying “You know what, this is what I have to say, and no one listens when I talk so why don’t you all say Hello to my Lil Friend!!” It was his own stimulus package if you will.

The arrest that followed from the town hall event and the people recogniznig him as the man who did the "town Hall Salute" put him in a bad spot. he was depressed, sad that he shamed his family No Torso Man was low. He hadn’t spoken to his family in months and didn’t even go to his mother Jean’s funeral because he so ashamed.

Now living in a rural part of the state No Torso Man has settled down with a very long torsoed women who he met a torso specialist. It turns out she wanted to get rid of her extended torso and he could use some of that extra space so they were a perfect fit. He says she is the only person who really understands him. She would not meet him until a year after the town hall event but that the event itself did not shape her opinion of No Torso Man. “Just because he doesn’t have a torso doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a heart!!, Shelly says. “I have seen this man do so many things someone with a full torso couldn’t do and he makes me happy.” It is at this point where no torso man goes back to being Lawrence Brinkley, the nice, shy kid from Charleston SC who just wants to smile and to be happy.

Here is the actual interview we did with No Torso Man.

Today, we are here with Lawrence and we thank him for his time and shedding some light on what growing up with no torso must have been like, how he is doing since the “event” and what pushed him to edge, what made this otherwise normal no torsoed individual expose himself in front of a national audience.

“Lawrence, thanks for the time”

NTM- Thanks Keith, I appreciate you giving me the time to explain what it’s been like.”

K-“there are a lot people out there think what you did was just some PR stunt that you pulled, but you say there is more.”

NTM-“I do Keith, I could have done a lot more things in different places that would have been better PR but I did this because I know many Americans, in a lot ways can relate to me bc they don’t look like they want to either and to a lesser degree I just felt like saying, you know what, i don’t have a torso, but I do have this piece of man meat hanging between my legs that should have a head with big teeth and scales covering it. I guess i really just wanted to let people know who i was and that i had something they might not..this was somethnig i had never experienced.

Keith-O OK OK, so you did it as a way of showing some people that everyone has something they should show off, is that correct?

NTM- more or less, I was just tired of people treating me like I was a zero and a disfigured freak and that if they knew what I had I would at least get some attention from the ladies, which was important for me, I was lonely and no girls ever took interest in me. I was a virgin if you dont count paying for it so it was hard on me, and my wallet. It was “oh Lawrence your so cute and cuddly” and you know, I got sick of that because im sitting there thinking cute and cuddly?? How about THIS, is this fucking thing cute and cuddly?!??!?! But I never did it.…..

K—Wo wow o Lawrence, sorry I asked, lets get back to the town hall event…you say you didn’t do it for PR but you had “PLAYFULLTILTPOKERNOW.com” sprayed down the side of your member.” That shocked a lot of people. Especially because of how many letters were involved…

NTM- well that, that was because I figured I was already doing and people had taken so much from me and i didnt have the same opprotunities for jobs like some other people so they approaced me about a way to make some extra money and i took it. i regret that.

K- It turns out the government wants to take that money back, is that right?

NTM- Yeah, they want me to pay 60% taxes on all the income because they claim that since my member is easily 5x the size of the average American member that I should be taxed accordingly. IT blows but what can do. Maybe if Uncle Sam had a wanger like mine they would see it like I do. I know they got huge balls though. That I can tell you.

K- Let’s talk about the aftermath from the town hall event and what has taken place since. What did you do after they released you from the courthouse and gave you the community service?

NTM- mostly I drank myself into a pants shitting stupor for a few months straight. Got mostly blind drunk and with my ass being so close to my neck I was literally up to my ears in shit. My nose is only a few inches from my crotch so the stench was palbable. It was terrible. I was completely on the down slide like I had never been before. There was one night, I was so low, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in a motel outside of Jacksonville and I been on a 3 week bender that took me through some of the scummiest towns in the pan handle. It was my birthday, March 18I gave a toast that day in a dimly lit strip club on a sunny day that maybe the good lord would strike me dead that night and put my sorry ass in a grave on the side of the road.” Well, I didn’t die, but I sure felt like I had. Turns out I did wake up on the side of the highway but the rain splashing off the mud flaps of 18 wheelers on the overpass let me know I was all too alive

I crept back to my rat infested shithole and took the belt off of my pants. I stood up on a chair and tried to get the belt over the beam in the room so I could get it over with. I tried and I tried and eventually I just couldn’t do it. Without a FUKING torso how am I supposed to reach this god damned beam to hang myself!!!??!?!?..” I fell from the chair and began to weep like a little bitch.Shit soaked, plastered and crying on the floor of a motel. What had become of my life? I looked into the mirror and I saw a wretched site. A man filled with self loathing and anger. A man who was alone…..

K- That must have been terrible, sounds like you really hit rock bottom that day Lawrence…

NTM- not so fast there Keith, I hit rock bottom about 2 days later after a skynard concert in Athens GA when they called the cops on me bc I did my “town hall salute” in front of a UGA sorority party after drinking grain alcohol on the train with a hobo I had met a few days before. Cops said I blew a .42 and could have died but if you asked me at the time I blew a golden opportunity to nail some really hot college ladies!” I drank someone else’s urine that day.” That i also regret.

K-Lawrence, again we need to stick to the topic here.

NTM- well you asked when I hit rock bottom; it was that day, in the holding tank at the Athens jail. I realized it that day when I was vomiting and shitting at the same time and other guys in the holding cell were turning away and also trying not to vomit. I remember looking into that stainless steel bowl with no seat and gripping the rim as I purged my stomach and my soul. It was the blurry vision of my gnarled self staring at me from the bottom of the bowl of a prison shithouse. Everything was loud, chaotic and painful, until for a brief moment…the water went still…
I fell into a trance, like in the movies when someone can see down on themselves.

K- NTM are you saying that you had an outer body experience???

NTM- I believe so, I mean I don’t know what to make of it but I do know that I was not myself that day and then from that moment forward I feel like a different man. I had a torso and i wasnt in jail and i had a haircut...it was like a breath of fresh air had been injected into my soul..

K-you seem much better, like you found some peace…When did you meet Shelly?

NTM- well we met after my birthday when i was really low and we just kind of fit together, in more ways than one. We met at a torso specialist in Charlotte and she was there to take some off and I was there to put some on. We never went through with it because we realized after that day that we are who we are….and we accepted each other for that reason so it was a real match. It changed my life. I am blessed. I used to feel like the old characters I read about and identified with. The hunchbacks, trolls, gnomes and the other disfigured characters in history. Now I feel like a normal person, except of course for this hammer I carry around, but ive always known i had this, it just took one major event for everyone else to know it too.

K-I know you are moving forward, I know you were offered a spot on the new Survivor and that some less than reputable people have offered you roles in the erotic film industry but by and large you haven’t taken any money offers from people since the Town Hall event. Does that speak to you trying to move past this and get on w your life?

NTM- thats exactly it Keith, I think there is a lot of people in the world with issues, and I am not different. But I also know that some dudes would kill to have a cock like this so I am just going to take in stride. We found out recently that Shelly is pregnant. IT is our hope that with the torsos we have that our little one will fall in the middle and have a normal torso and a normal life. I didn’t want to call attention to myself, I just wanted to be heard…what I did was a mistake but everything I have gone through has gotten me to this place, and this place is where I want to be...

K- Good luck and we look forward to getting an update from you and Shelly when the little one arrives.

NTM- thanks Keith.

I present to you...The Last Malts....

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Thank God Marbury is no longer a Knick...

i don't know if anyone has kept up on Starbury since he fizzled for the Celts at the end of their season but this guy has gone into full manic behavior. the latest video, which you tube wont let me cut and paste is of him dancing in front of a mirror to "Im a Barbie Girl" and he looks like he is working at a strip club or at the Blue Oyster. In a separate video he is in his car and his driver hits something and just keeps rolling. In another one, he eats Vaseline out of the jar, he crys, he laughs, he mumbles...he has all the looks of a daily crack smoker, only he is in nicer surroundings, which 20 million in the last year can certainly provide. would someone like to take odds on his arrest for drugs in the next 6 months? when he doesnt get picked up by someone (don't mean the Eddie Murhpy style pick up, i mean in hoops) he will increase the crack usage and things will get weird, and because he streams his life for all to see, we will get a gross look at the fall from being an overpaid athlete to just a regular ole' rich ass crackhead.... stay tuned.

Crazy NYC HOBOS

We all know NYC has its fair share of nuts but i thought this was a classic photo. my coworker took it as he rode his bike down the west side highway path..this guy apparently has different costumes he goes with but he always incorporates fruit. the guy said he has seen him in overalls holding a watermelon with an apple in his mouth. this day he just went the simple get up of a soiled towel and two oranges, one for the mouth and one for the top of the head..and you got to love the statue like middle finger he is throwing out to all the motorists. its a great place. i think we should have a "freak fest" in central park and invite all the street dwellers and see who brings the best package of craziness, flare, originality and spirit, in that order.

Been a while....

I have not posted anything for a while, not for lack of things going on in the world obviously but i have been busy and trying to figure out a way to put better content on here but with some stories behind it. the cut and pasting of videos and well publicized events waters things down a bit so i am going to change it up and start rolling out some other things to keep it going and take it to the next level...Stay Tuned.
Ole Shtinky

I guess it's a good thing i haven't been checking this thing frequently....

Nothing here

This is classic...someone took Thirsty Thursday to a new level...

This is a photo is from a friend, he took it this morning. This guy has some explaining to do. We all like to take it deep sometimes but wowza, thats a new level. i hope he is in a detox center right now...for his sake, and the bulls...

John Daly and the British Open...

I know i know, that sounds like an odd combo, kind of like Larry the Cable Guy hooking up with Victoria Beckham, it just doesn't fit, literally or figuratively BUT John Daly has made the cut at the British Open and i think it would be interesting to see if he can hold it together. i was reading an article about how he said he played terrible etc but he is going to make the cut and keep people guessing for another day. He has been known to wear some of the worst outfits in golf and apparently he is up to his old tricks wearing green psychedelic pants today and is going to take things to a new level tomorrow.

I know he is a numb nuts and prides himself on his simpleton ways but there is a lovable side to the guy. I think in some ways a lot of people wish they could say "i don't give a ...." and really mean it. When i hear John Daly speak i actually believe it. He reminds me of David Allan Coe in that way. A true redneck who don't give a what about anything that you may say or think about him. I also kind of want a tourney that is not all Tiger driven, so his missing the cut will spice things up.

Things are looking very interesting as far as weather concerns and the players atop the leader board.

It would be great to see a really out of shape fat guy from the good old US of A take home the British Open. then shotgun a Budweiser tall boy with his tee on 18...

Enjoy the weekend.

Saki Bomb Extravaganza!!

As promised, i have finally gotten to video taping some things and i think i got it figured out so here are two videos of last nights annual Saki Bomb Extravaganza. We go each year for my friends birthday but last night was even more special. It is the one year anniversary of the founder of Benihanas death. His name was Rocky Akoi and he was a legendary character so every year we do a toast to him. Last night his wife was there with some of his friends and got her to come in to toast with us to salute Rocky. It was a great moment.

The second video is where things were in "full swing" after lots and lots of Saki and beers...Nothing like a drunken version of we are the world to get things fired up. A good time was had by all but we should have shut it down after that. took it deep and today has definitely left a mark. Thank god its Friday, i really need some down time! enjoy the weekend.

Annual Benihana Saki Bomb Party

Tonight is the night where we drink. There are many reasons for the drink but tonight its for a good friend, the Dank One, Fan Darrell. We go every year with 15-20 guys and get a big table and try to do as many saki bombs as possible. we are good for about 12-14 of those w beers on top so the feet are barely touching the floor after a while. It is a great time and this year, im bringing the video camera so we will hopefully have some footage of the boys getting it done. Rocky Akoi, the founder of Benihana was a true legend. He was a man of adventure, leisure and lots and lots of good times so for that, we salute him with our initial toast. My friends dubbed it "a traditon unlike any other." not original but pretty good. I feel good today. havent been out in a week and i need to be cautious my enthusiasm doesnt get in the way of reason like it usually does.
Next time you hear from Ole Stinky he gonna be a rootin and a tootin' come tomorrow morning...wish me luck.

Heres to Rocky, Heres to Darrell! Thirst Thursday T-56 minutes....

A little Gross? i thought so..

Where i work there is a fire escape in the back of the building and people use it for their smoke breaks. It seems all the women in the office use it as their stoop and often take breaks together to gossip and talk about Michael Jackson. This doesn't bother me but one lady who smokes non stop (missed a week of work after tonsil surgery because she got the cuts infected from smoking, seriously)...anyway, she and another woman were headed to have a smoke then were going to get coffee. One lady says to the other, "oh, i didnt know you wanted to go right after we had a smoke. I need to "go bad" right after i have a smoke when i am done with lunch." "You can just go without me."

The comment was gross enough but then i am trying not to, but definitely am picturing this lady pinchin a loaf, post smoke, on the way to more coffee and definitely more smokes because they help relax the caffeine buzz she worked so hard all day to achieve. This is as close as i get to to Twitter but i thought i would pass along a gross work story. Moral of the story is, if you have to poop after a smoke, just grin and laugh to yourself about how badly you are going to crush that can. just dont let your co-workers know about it. Also, there is a terrible abuse of "air freshener" that gets sprayed after said POOP so it really mixes nicely. Like when i used to keep sports gear, a wet wetsuit, old beer and dead animals in my trunk for like...a week.

I will always picture her taking a dump from now on.

The Old Airbag, making people laugh since they learned how to take them out of cars...

Just another example of a few guys with too much time on their hands. Watch the slow motion part where the kid looks like he got sent out of a rocket and then the slow motion calls for help making him sound a lot like sloth from Goonies. Overall, pretty juvenile i know but i thought it would lighten things up. Given all the bad news of michael jackson, steve mcnair etc i just thought seeing some kids nearly getting his ass blow off would lighten things up. Enjoy.

http://www.break.com/index/couch-airbag-explosion-surprise.html?mrr=we

Happy 4th.. God Bless America.

As we drink and eat and enjoy our freedom this weekend lets keep our troops in our thoughts and prayers. a lot people are over in the sand pit and i have a bad feeling about this weekend and the events that are unfolding in Afghanistan. a lot of our citizens are over there taking it on the chin for us.I am not being sappy or cliche here, just want to shout out that i appreciate the work people do to protect us. There is no other place in the world where people enjoy this type of freedom. Just ask the citizens of Iran. Happy 4th.

Today is a great day..how i got my name, although I am pretty sure i have never been described as a Saint.

The last part of his life must have looked a lot like Braveheart. He was hanged, drawn and quartered. Does not sound pleasant.

July 2, 2009
St. Oliver Plunkett
(1629-1681)

The name of today's saint is especially familiar to the Irish and the English—and with good reason. The English martyred Oliver Plunkett for defending the faith in his native Ireland during a period of severe persecution.
Born in County Meath in 1629, he studied for the priesthood in Rome and was ordained there in 1654. After some years of teaching and service to the poor of Rome he was appointed Archbishop of Armagh in Ireland. Four years later, in 1673, a new wave of anti-Catholic persecution began, forcing Archbishop Plunkett to do his pastoral work in secrecy and disguise and to live in hiding. Meanwhile, many of his priests were sent into exile; schools were closed; Church services had to be held in secret and convents and seminaries were suppressed. As archbishop, he was viewed as ultimately responsible for any rebellion or political activity among his parishioners.
Archbishop Plunkett was arrested and imprisoned in Dublin Castle in 1679, but his trial was moved to London. After deliberating for 15 minutes, a jury found him guilty of fomenting revolt. He was hanged, drawn and quartered in July 1681.
Pope Paul VI canonized Oliver Plunkett in 1975.

Like Sam the Butcher Bringin Alice the Meat!

Not sure if anyone saw this ad that is sure to raise a lot of ire from the feminist community. It is for a new 7 inch burger sandwich that apparently will "blow your mind away." the description about sliding something long, hot and juicy in your mouth isn't all that appetizing either. BK says the ad will only be sent out in its Singapore market, where no man, woman or child can really fathom seven inches of meat so no one seems to be offended. They bring that ad campaign to the good old US of A where the flag poles stand tall and there will be an uproar..some people may say, "seven inches, that's nothing. what about a foot long? wait, that's been done." that scenario leads me to believe that seven inches, somehow so much more than 1 inch longer than the conventional 6"incher means that it somehow has sex written all over it ...i think its the woman with her mouth open on the ad that kind of sells the sex aspect but it is tough for me to pick up on subtle innuendos....

That, and everyone knows America is the land of the Big Truck, Big Gulp, The Big Kahuna, and of course, the Big Pecker, and that we should stand naked and proud with our patriot missiles out for all the world to see...When my 6th grade gym coach gave that speech there wasn't a dry eye in the place and everyone was moved..but i think that's because we all had our clothes on and he didn't and we moved because he started chasing us around.

The Blind Leading the....Oh shit, he is leading us!

GOV. Paterson isn't letting the mess in the State Senate cut into his party time. After insisting that Republicans and Democrats spend the weekend working out their differences and start passing legislation, the governor cooled his heels Saturday in Bridgehampton at a pool party held by Russell Simmons. Our spies spotted him "casually dressed" and "mugging for photos with two young beauties." The governor had "at least two security officials" who stood by while he partied until "well past midnight" and ate burgers.

I love New York. There is never a dull moment and there is a news story on every street corner but the fact that our governor is partying it up in the Hamptons this weekend while everyone else "sweats it out" in Albany is ridiculous. I have nothing against Patterson and i know he inherited one hell of a mess but the actions he has taken (or not) show me that he either doesnt care enough to or cant assist in what is the worst state crisis we have ever seen. The empty promises and the daily speeches about how "shocked" he is or how dissapointed he is in the state pols is tiring to listen to. He is acting like a Drunk Ship Captain who is raiding the bar knowing that with the amount of water coming on board there is no way he can make it.
We pay the most taxes of anyone in the country and we continually get some of the worst people to represent us. New York, New York, insulting voters one billion dollars at a time. I know SNL has spoofed him and other people make fun of him for his sight stuff but even if he was fully blind he should be able to tell that the people whispering in his ear are full of shit and making him look like an idiot. He clearyl doesnt listen to the voices that are telling him to take control so at this point our good captain is just going to sail without the rudder and see where we end up. If it keeps going this good he may be invited back to Russells next Def Jam..

Its much more important to have a washed up hip hop icon that annoys the shit out of everyone he comes across invite you to his party then to actually do the fucking job we pay you for. which you havent done since you were installed after the other idiot before you didnt do what he was supposed to do. That guy was and still is as smug and arrogant as ever so i dont really expect much different from his "successor". I wonder, what if a state budget meeting coincides with Diddys White Party? Tough choices all around.

so, my "how do you look yourself in the mirror award " goes to the Governor. wait, that may not be a fair award to give him. governor, you get the "you got a lot of balls guys, award." i hope you enjoy it, and the burgers, im sure they were good.

My "you are a dumb son of a bitch to live in new york state" goes to me...and about 14 million other people.

have a good day. and dont worry, we will be fine..what me worry????

You be the Judge...

If the green in the background wasnt a fashion staple of a revolution you would think this guy just busted out of the GIMP closet, with the cop from the Village People chasing him...

I just think Reuters could have picked a less "S&M" type photo for the cover of a story on Iran..Unless i got this from that "other site" i read when i start my day..

Talking Press Hop, now get up off your ass like your seats HOT!

This link sent to me by a loyal reader and it had me cracking up this morning....Talking bout Practice? Looking at this clip makes me realize that people have a lot of time on their hands but this is funny. trying to lighten things up after my tight assed post earlier...aka, THE DIATRIBE.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exOxUAntx8I&eurl=http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/extramustard/hotclicks/06/23/joanna-krupa-peyton-manning-sings-with-kenny-chesney/index.ht&feature=player_embedded

Mannys back, 50 game slap on the wrist..

Manny Ramirez played for some team called the Isotopes last night in a warm up to get back to playing for the Dodgers. Two things struck me as odd. There is a minor league team in AZ that is called the Isotopes and the name comes from a Simpson's episode where they are trying to move Springfield's baseball team and Homer Simpson protests the move(rightfully so by the way.)
The fact that someone went to the trouble to name a team after an episode of the Simpsons leads me to believe the owners of the team are the writers for the Simpsons, OR the owners of said team were higher than the Himalayas when they came up with it. Either way, playing for a team called the Isotopes as part of your re-entry to the league after a suspension for steroids is close to rock bottom.

What is actual rock bottom as far as I'm concerned is that 50 games is 27% of a season. A slap on the hand. MLB is basically saying that the worst offense in the sport doesn't even merit a full season suspension. Send him packing with no pay. Make him take random drug tests 4 days a week for the year and he can come back. What cracks me up is the steroids are illegal but no one seems to prosecute or charge anyone with these crimes. Who is Manny's dealer? They are designer drugs and Manny being nailed for them, then allowed to play again is BS.
MLB will never have any credibility if they continue to let people back in the game. Manny should be banned for life, as should anyone who blatantly broke the rules. I know I'm not the first to say this but Pete Rose doesn't get in to the Hall of Fame for gambling but a lot of these other guys will get considered? MLB is a joke, Bud Selig is a joke. I feel like the joke is on me, you and every other fan for liking this sport, supporting this sport and the ethics and antics it promotes. I am a Yankees fan and we have some of the all time juicers who have been on our roster and it has gotten to the point for me where i wont go to the park to see the freak show. Every home run, every 200 mph line drive will now draw my skepticism (from my couch where i am paying a fee to watch the game). Then of course, like a moth to the flame, i will want to go back and see them play but all the while i will know im being fooled. I have been pimped, and not in an Xzbit fixing up my car kind of way.
There, that's my high and mighty post for the month. I was just shocked to see Manny playing again so soon and in a month, it will be another guy and he will be off the ole' "Juicer Schnide" as i call it. then i will blog about that. It will be interesting to see how he is treated upon his return to LA. If i know that town they will overlook any past "issues" as long as he produces on the big stage...

Only in New York..

I love this town. the sights, the sounds, the smells and the stories. I don't know if any of you caught the story about the drug dealer yesterday who was arrested and in the process of being transported to central booking got shot by a stray bullet. I am not happy for anyone to get shot, but the irony of getting shot in the back while being transported for a felony you just committed made me chuckle. Only in New York. At least the guy gets to go to hospital before being sent to the lock up for a while.
The guy must have been thinking how terrible his day had just gotten when the police picked him up then he gets shot by random gunfire in the streets. I don't think he will see the "Karma" in all of it.

As i always say, we are not progressing, we are regressing. This incident just goes to show, life has a lot to do with luck, both good and bad...so watch your ass, and your back in this case.

Jungle Love, Its driving me mad...its making me crazy..

Is there a better way to start the day??? Two primates shagging on the hood of a car? Its a "CTRL ALT DELETE" back to basics post. Where it all begins if you will.

If It were only so easy. One monkey laying on the hood of the car going for a ride, the lady monkey comes over, jumps on the car and seems to say "hey big fella, saw you rolling by on the hood of that car and thought you looked pretty hot so i thought i would jump on for a ride...and i dont mean a ride on the hood of the car." To which the male monkey clearly says "sure you right, I tap that and cap that right here on the hood."

Would you rather be this monkey in captivity getting it done on the hoods of moving cars or be a free man who never gets laid?

This monkey has chicks literally chasing him down to jump his bones. His Wikipedia page says he played a big role as a voice over in Jumanji and was a stunt double in one of the Jurassic Park movies. He is supposed to be in a new movie with Steve Gutenberg but it is on hold. What a playa...

Just something to ponder as you weigh the value of your existence today.

Monday, workers block..

After a great weekend of sun and some serious rain storms it was time to man the desk again. This monday was a little different than others in that i was so sore yesterday I could barely walk right. It has been a while since i felt like such shit rolling out bed. I took some bad falls wakeboarding and went all weekend warrior and am now paying the price. sitting in a chair is not comfortable at all and i wish i had just phoned it in. there isnt anything wrong with me other than extreme soreness on the back side of my body from my back to the knees, and everything in between.

Then i got the "you took off too early on friday" speech so that put a small damper on things. The morning went pretty much as planned.Then i got to that point, mid day monday, post lunch. Not a lot going on, down time. Down Time is BAD. I have exhausted all internet reading and just asked myself "isnt there anything else thats utterly mindless that i could go to in order to pass some time? To me, this is the grave yard shift. Everything slows down, and not in the Matrix good kind of way. In the "holy shit my life is grinding by like a glacier going down 7th avenue" kind of way. I know i should feel more motivated but i also feel like i should be on a beach somewhere, resting these weekend warrior, washed up, busted down set of bones! When your day dreams get you through the day you are riding on vapors..


Its hard changing gears from care free relaxed weekends to work front with a lot of pain, tedious discussions and a lot less fun. got to pay the bills to get some thrills. Good luck with the rest of the day.



got some good videos i will start posting soon.

Never Thought Ron Zook and i had much in common, looking like TURBOS..

Sports Wrap up, Hot 97 and Fat Friday Yall

What up to the TGIF crew..Dublin called..they want their weather back..ohhh! kid is hot this morning. Hoping For Sunshine.Again. Again i was disappointed. Several days in a row of getting caught in the rain on the way to work.

Another Friday at the Front and Fat Friday is in the house with more steak and bagel sammys from MacDonald's for the team and more of the HOT 97 morning show going on..Not hungover today so i got that going for me.

The best part of my Friday mornings are listening to the Hungarian woman who is early 60s in my office who speaks broken English give her play by play synopsis of the previous nights sporting events. "How can you let Derek Fisher shoot an open three, he has hit the most 3 pointers in playoff history along with Michael Jordan!." She is also a fanatical baseball fan. There is another woman who is about 75 and a really nice woman and she is the office manager for the last 30 years. An old school Italian New Yorker who is a cross between George Burns and Stalin but she keeps order and vetoes any stupid suggestions from the Peanut Gallery. For example, we have a Celtics fan and the suggestion that Marbury could take them over the top was met with "You better stop that talk or I will push you off the fire escape next time we have a smoke." Its a pretty cut throat place!
Amazing to see how sports can be a real bond for people that would otherwise not have a whole lot in common. Like most offices in NYC ours is a split of Yanks and Mets fans. This creates some friction when we are trying to watch the games in the conference room. Trying to get my boss to look at the Yanks side of the world so i get to watch them more at work. Although after last night i am not sure i can watch them play Boston again. Slip Slidin away from the Sawx..Damn Sham really.

I just got a video camera (hold the applause till the end) so i hope to be uploading more videos soon. I know its a streaming video world and I'm just a stream of consciousness guy. Got to keep up. wait i am keeping up, maybe I'm too far ahead and need to slow down, no i think i will just stay in this lane...
Have a great weekend. God Bless America!

Summer Weather...head faking me

As you know i usually send out a thirsty Thursday email with something about how nice it is to get drunk on a Thursday night then follow it up with how miserable hungover Fridays can be. This weather is getting in the way of my thirst for beverages. I remember Junes being a lot nicer than this..don't get me wrong, i will take 5 days of rain for 2 nice weekend days (because i work for the man) but it is depressing after being head faked with some really nice weather. I work right next to the Empire State Building and right now i can only see up the first 30 floors.

The weather has forced me to be more productive with my time since i cant spend time plotting an exit to play golf or to hit a roof deck post work for some drinks so i guess that's a good things. especially since its getting nice out soon and there is much plotting that will need to be done.

I have created my "cause" by the way...Its called the Sunshine Coalition. Basically i want it to be sunny more than its not. plain and simple. i cant wait for the letter from the group that represents miserable bastards who are going to tell me that a sunshine coalition discriminates from those who just like being miserable bastards..that's not even mentioning the global warming alarmist who will say "Patty Big Dong, your Coalition is promoting too much hope for sunshine. With all that sunshine there would be too much heat and we lose the ice caps and the earf would heat up like a mofo.." Valid Point. Evidence that for every cause there is a protest and for every dream there is a nightmare. Stand for something or dont stand at all.

Regressing back to the "Olden Times"..when people cooked animals on the street

VEGETARIANS gagged as they passed Union Square Cafe Sunday and saw a bloody goat carcass on a spit on the sidewalk outside the East 16th Street eatery -- just 50 yards from where a cat-rescue group was offering tiny, meowing kittens for adoption. "This was a truly amazing and disgusting sight to see, and I've lived here for 36 years," one passerby said. A restaurant rep called its "whole spit-roasted Vermont Goat" stunt a "one-off" as part of its Spring Wine & Food Dinner and said pedestrians needn't worry about seeing other beasts cooked on the street.

I love this for several reasons. One, a goat being cooked on a spit in union square must cause quite a scene with the smoke and stink. The cat rescue group being very close caps it all because they really aren't saving any cats there, or goats apparently. They need to be outside Chinese food restaurants and weird S&M places if they want to protect cats in NYC. Goats, like other animals that are eaten, are so far removed from the end consumer during their last precious minutes so people aren't horrified when they arrive on the plate with a demi glaze and some potatoes. Seeing animals slaughtered and bled to death is not pretty but they got to end up lying still on the plate some how.
I think NYC is a great place bc of these types of scenes. The people protecting cats, in a place where cats aren't really being mistreated and they are hit with massive clouds of burning flesh from a goat. I always say it but we are regressing not progressing. And that animals are smarted than us..in this case, i guess the goat lost but the cats won..i dont know where that leaves me but i haven't seen anyone outside protesting for my rights....wait, do i need a cause for rights? like starting a petition to be allowed to serve alcohol at any event where music is being played...THATS MY CAUSE. i think i could get a lot of people behind me. That and i want to start a cause to hope for good weather. its pretty inconsequential yet we can get a lot of people behind it who don't really have to do anything..that sounds a lot like most causes i hear about..Substance in our society means nothing, its the talk about action that is more important than actually doing something. that would mean you actually stand for something, and you don't want to be one of those people these days....

Twitter, why its bad for you...

The latest craze of Twitter has started to really annoy me. first it was pod casts and blogs, where any jerk off can write whatever he or she wants (me included, god bless America!), now its the stream of consciousness updates from people letting other people know what they are doing at that exact moment..Today alone i have read in the headlines about Ashton Kutcher who is the King of Twitter, Rene Zelwigger who refuses to twitter and Terrell Owens who is Twittering about his house shopping woes in Buffalo. My dad is late 60s and he is talking about Twitter. Got a twitter from my 3 year old nephew that said "OMG, just deuced myself again uncle P, HA HA. stay tuned." This has gotten out of control.

I am all for the community aspect of the Internet but Twitter seems to more about self indulgence than reaching out and expressing ideas. People who think i need to know what your doing all day can save it for some one else who doesn't have a life. I understand its a little hypocritical to say that as i bang out a blog post but i don't pretend to think that someone cares what i do all day.. they are called Parole Officers, and im glad i don't have one.
A quick hypothetical Twitter from my first hour awake today..
"OMG, Im alive, i dont think i lost any teeth...i need to drink less, why do i always get corned beef sammys at 2am on the way home. why does my mouth taste like a cat slept in it and is it possible to die from extreme gas? am i willing to take one more shot with a wet one?The Hobo in my below just woke up and is itching for more sleep. oh god, i almost threw up. that was horrible. i hate hungover Friday, i just want to curl up to a good Danielle Steele book and listen to some Carly Simon albums in my Snuggie..(sing to myself for a minute, Dire Wolf this morning)..damn im late. these are the days im glad i dont have a dog to walk.shit its late, what was i thinking, oh yeah, Fridays not all bad, i get to blog and maybe even send constant twitters about my life, my take on that life..(some delusional scenario unfolds in my head, that takes 20 seconds of me moving around but really just having a manic morning dream and then im back)..damn now im late."

see, did you need to know that? didnt think so. i hope this Twitter is just a fad..one that i refuse to partake in. I will just keep on bloggin..NO END IN SIGHT!!! have a good weekend.

PHISH- Jones Beach..

Last night i went to the Phish concert at Nikon Theatre at Jones Beach. The trip started out really slow with a lot of traffic and even more rain. 6 guys in a car drinking with all the windows up in a rain storm is fun but not really what i was in for! The clouds and rain cleared and it turned out to be an awesome night. The music was really good and the band looked crisp. Some of it is a little too jammy for me but they are a jam band so you got to take the good with the bad. Loving Cup was the highlight for me, along with a few other songs,Wekapaug Groove was also awesome. That was what was good about it.

What was bad about it is that the parking lot scene is basically like a cops episode where there are cars and officers lined up all over the place and guys with binoculars and radios calling in police to swarm on groups. Some of the people call a lot of attention to themselves and are easy targets. a 15 year old girl walking around with balloons in her hand is ripe pickins for 5-0. Some of the typical funky hippies acting like they are on the great caravan of "the music" yet all looked pretty close to death. one kid dry heaved his face off i n front of us and looked like he was about to have a heart attack so my friend offered him some water. never seen someone take a breath of fresh air like that. I can only imagine what some of the ER bookings looked like last night. lot of people got their chin out a little over the tips of the skis by the look in their eyes.

The next major problem i have is that they don't sell liquor at the concert. That to me is unamerican. i don't like being told where i can drink and how to drink it and this place does both. makes no sense at all. one reason i wont rush out there for a show again. i like drinking at concerts.

The last issue i had was that the post concert parking lot scene was an absolute shit show with cops everywhere arresting people like it was a round up. we saw no less than 30 people arrested on our walk to the car. needless to say we didn't do a lot of tail gating after the show but that was probably for the best. Tuesday Phish concert is a rough front end to the week but you only live once.

Overall score of a B w the music being an A and the rest of it kind of sub par. had a great time with the people we were with and its always good to see some live music.

Eminem gets clowned, pouts his way home w enterouge

This weekend Eminem got goofed on at the Music Awards by having Sasha Baron Cohen descend onto him and have his ass put squarely in front of Eminems face. The whole thing is pretty funny but the best part is seeing him storm out in disgust, like the whole thing was too much, or too embarrassing for him to be a part of. Lets take this apart.
Marshall Mathers, the man, the myth, the...whatever is trying to act all hard core like he is just too cool for school when the joke is played on him. Isnt there an Eminem song that has the lyrics "my bum is on your ....?" same guy who sings about killing his ex wife and driving around with her in the car and waving to people? His whole persona (before he tried to get hard core) was that of a prankster and someone who like to have fun so just because you go to rehab a few times in between albums doesn't make you hard, it makes you more like amy whorehouse or pete doherty and it certainly doesn't allow you to act like a little girl when someone goofs. he literally had a temper tantrum on live TV. "YO dog, that guy put his ass right up on my grill." I have a feeling he will come up with a song about Sasha baron Cohen soon enough.
That being said, im glad it wasn't my face that got bare assed by a guy on live TV!

Where is this morning's post?

This isn't just another one of those weekday, ill-blog-when-its-convenient-for-me websites, is it? I can find those anywhere.

Potentially Disappointed Again,

Mr. Schwan

Fat Friday

At our office there is a friday tradition (started before i got here) called Fat Friday. The receptionist gets to pick the fast food place that the office will order from and then they place it. McDonalds is usually the choice. Most hungover Fridays a sausage egg and cheese with a hash brown would hit the spot but today i opted to pass on the FF. As the food was delivered people starting pulling out steak and cheeses on BAGELS! I had had never seen this on the menu, and i dont know that i am gutsy enough to eat one but people seemed really happy w the results.

The rationale was that since its actual steak its better for you than the ham (swine flu discussion ensued, they closed four more schools in the BX today) and sausage, well, we all know about sausage so the steak apparently is really the healthiest option? Putting a steak on a bagel is ballsy even at your own house but to have it delievered to work from Mcd's is straight gambling. Watching (and hearing) people gnaw away at the edgs of the "steak" is like watching crocodiles devour a gazelle on the nature channel.

Maybe if im more hungover next week i will walk out on the plank and jump into what is sure to be a gut busting, heart burn making, large dump taking, no chump faking FAT FRIDAY!!! I will report back on that. It has been known to cause extreme cases of EAS (explosive arse syndrome). 1 bathroom in the office too.

As a show of what a loser i am, i have found a guy who actually reviewed the steak and bagel and he also sounds overall pretty positive. I think he also must smoke crack bc his other "cant miss" is the fish filet. his description made me want to puke... he writes about it like he writing penthouse letters for inmates. Happy Friday and have a good weekend. Was that enough of a post for you Mista SHWAAAAAAAAAN????

"The Steak & Egg Breakfast Bagel. Maybe your not familiar with McDonald's steak bagel. That's okay, its only been on the menu a few years, and around here MickeyDees isn't generally on most of our minds as a good breakfast choice. But you have to try one of these. I can't pin-point what it is, but they put something in these things that's got to be close to the human version of cat-nip. Let me describe this incredible sandwich to you. Take one Bagel, & some sort of meat that tastes exactly like steak, but looks a little like grey square hamburger, add sauteed onions, some cheese and eggs... and there you have it: McDonald's Steak & Egg Breakfast Bagel.Yum.To better describe this to you, I have to tell you its not the separate parts of the sandwich, its the sum of all its ingredients. The grease from the steak is like an Au Jus that soaks into the bagel just enough to give it that soft chewy taste. The jokes on you when your realize some technical genius put McDonald's greasiest food on a bagel that has a hole in the middle of it to drip on your clothes. I've got to ask how does McDonald's do it? I mean really... 3.95 for Steak, Eggs, & Bagel? No where can you get that deal. Try going to Long Horn Steak house and getting out for under 4.00 with an orange juice. I'm starting to wonder if the local steak restaurant is price gouging like the gas stations are?I decided to investigate. Yesterday while making my journey through the High Point road McDonald's Drive-thru, I asked the lady taking my debit card what kinda steak it was. "Whatcha mean what kinda steak it is?", she asked.Me: "Well is it a T-bone, Porter House, a rib-eye?"Her: "Uh, hun its a McDonald's steak."Me: "Oh, really. It does from a cow right?"Her: "Oh no, honey it comes from a truck that come on Mondays."Me: "Really?" I was now Doing that one eye RCA/ Victor Dog Look with my head cocked.Right about then I could tell I was holding up the line when the guy behind me leaned out his window honking his horn and yelled "Are you ordering the whole freaking cow lady?"I turned my head in his direction and began to yell back at him "No they come from the truck!" But then I realized it was a really stupid come back. So I stuck out my middle finger, and blew him a kiss. The McDonald's lady started laughing. I turned to her and said " Can I ask you one last question?" "Sure", she said.I asked, "Is Ronald Here?""Ronald? There isn't anybody by the name who works here.", she replied."Oh", I said (kinda disappointed), "Thanks"And I drove off to window #2 for my little piece of mystery meat heaven.Thanks Ronald!

Summer Kick Off

This is a photo that was taken this weekend and it is just after a huge rain storm. first pic of the summer. i am channelling my inner Bob Ross here..and it feels good.."just a touch of that liquorish blue on the pretty little sky line..this is my cousin Jack throwing down flex pose going 45 mph barefooting. good times. Love summa summa summa time. time to sit back and recline.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Ross

Inspirational to say the least!!! This is what its all about..

A friend of ours was paralyzed a little less than 3 years ago. He was a quadriplegic from a c5-c6 break in his neck. He was never supposed be able to get out of a chair again for the rest of his life. He has spent the last two years and nine months working his ass off and pushing the limits of what ANYONE (including the medical professionals) thought was possible with this type of injury. The process by which he made such huge strides is called Locomotion and apparently there have been some real breakthroughs in this therapy process. Janne has shown incredible resolve and strength in battling back from what a lot of people would have considered a death sentence.

I know there are a lot of inspirational/amazing stories out there but this one was the first i have witnessed. Now i know why people believe in miracles.
The link below shows him walking for the first time and the info for the foundation is also attached. if you have any extra they could really use the help. Also, i know there are others out there with similar kinds of stories that are inspirational and amazing please send those in and we can gain some momentum here. This is the first serious post in a long long time. TAKE NOTICE!!!!


http://gallery.me.com/califinn#100028Check this out! After 2yr and 9mos of hard work and determination Janne took his first steps with a walker last week! While it might not be pretty, it was perfect that day and will only keep getting better if we continue to raise the necessary funds to help all of our clients. Please pass along this video to everyone you know! We need the support of all of you and your family and friends to continue our mission. Donations can be made at www.nextstepfitness.org/fundraising.php

Yankees hit 9 straight!!!!

The Yanks are chugging along nicely and i have to say as a fan of the team, i didn't think they had this in them. The first part of the season it seemed everyone, including the fans and media were walking on eggshells. It looks like they have loosened up and are playing the game with an ease about them. I hope they can keep this up...Its a long season, and im used to being disappointed but i like what i see.

Side Stepping arduous, tedious work...I can delegate with the best of em'..

In my career i have gotten wise, and it just hit me..why do something you could delegate to someone else?? i just side stepped a painful project that was going to put a damper on an otherwise nice day..SO what do you do when you see the cloud of busy work rolling in?? Look for the people having too good a time doing nothing..I just rolled up on a guy doing a Wikipedia search on the Astor family and announcing that "they been rich forever"...That kind of comment makes you ripe pickins for the project i dont plan on doing anything on..SO you divide it up with a few people and presto! BAM! things started getting done. i know if it were left on my shoulders there is a chance (large) that it would not get done as quickly. This blog post is coming to you on time that would otherwise have been occupied with a lot of cutting and pasting for something that is not nearly as.....good for the world. yeah i said it.

Thirsty Thursday..good drinking weather..AGAIN!

This chap got himself good and lathered up for his Friday work day..and he got there early, ready to open the shop at the crack of dawn after a long Thirsty Thursday..we should all be so diligent. As i saw this picture (by hitting drunk on google images you get an amazing array of drunk photos) i thought to myself how many Fridays i have gone to work in rough shape. There were days when it would be 1 in the afternoon before my feet hit the ground with any sort of coordination or cadence.
I was never one to phone it in though, i fight my hangovers head on. Why take Pepto or Zantac when you can have the best heartburn of your life? Why would i want Advil or Aspirin for a headache? sunglasses for the sun? That all seems excessive to me. Happy Thirsty Thursday, lets get it on.

Vick is out on the streets...kind of

So the next chapter in Michael Vick's life started last night as he was released from prison under the cloak of darkness. He will be on house arrest and other limitations but he is out and i think is going to be back in the NFL. I understand what he did with the dogs was horrific and he deserved time but he served it. he can now go onto fathering more children, spreading more VDs and assuming the last name of other countries, ala Ron Mexico..Maybe Canada gets the honor this time? Say what you want about the guy but he is one of best athletes we have ever seen. I would like to see him picked up by the Giants but that's just me..i will tell you why..NYC is a city that forgives and tends to forget. there are lots of people in NYC who raise fighting dogs and then kill them too. It is a part of the culture (unfortunately) but that doesn't mean it isn't going on. I have seen no crack down in the practice and see just as many dogs who have been raised for fighting in the streets (only in the bad areas) as i did when he was free.

For all of the terrible things we see on a daily basis i feel like Vick got a heavy sentence. There are rapists who do less time than he did. He was made to be an example and people got the point..The funny thing is, as you saw in one of my post is that in the Saudi Special forces you have to devour a live rabbit, hair and all after biting its head off in order to "graduate". No foul there, its a right of passage. Cultural differences always intrigue me.

Ozzy got labeled crazy for biting the head off a bird, in another scenario he would have gotten a promotion. Its a crazy mixed up world.
Good luck Mr. Vick, we are watching and i hope you surprise. This has all the set up of a TI 2 situation (the ATL rapper w all those hankerings for automatic weapons)... Deion Sanders is in his 12,000 sq foot walk in closet picking out his "redemption" outfit so he can stand next to Vick on the podium when he gets picked up by a team. Michael Irvin is thinking to himself "this guy got 3 years for killing dogs?? shit, i killed three hookers and i never heard anything about it." Ray Lewis doesn't want to say anything, he is thinking "I covered up and took part in a murder and i ain't even do three years!!". then he spouts of some Born Again blather about the Truth and Lord and thinks he is Samuel L Jackson from Pulp Fiction.
God i l0ve the NFL.

Animal Torture? what do you think would happen if they did this in the US military?

A graduating soldier from the Saudi special forces' anti-terror unit eats a live rabbit as part of survival training in Riyadh May 17, 2009.

I don't see PETA yet but they cant be far behind..unless they are women, then they cant get shit in Saudi Arabia anyway. They treat women like animals as it is over there.

Can PETA rally around women being treated like animals? good question right. What if you know a person who is treated worse than someones pampered pet.food for thought.

This guy better hope there is no rabbit flu around the next corner.
The Monday Slugger

One more reason i am happy to see the Celtics lose.

1) I hate Boston sports (partly bc i am a yanks fan, partly bc they are painful.)

2) I hate Ben Affleck and he likes all things Boston so that's a double down there.

3) I hate Stephon Marbury and am happy he is not getting a shot at the title.

There, 3 reasons why this Monday doesn't suck as badly as i thought it would..

BOO HOO IN BEANTOWN!

Charles Barkely gets beat by a women in a push up contest..

1) This is pretty funny. Sir Charles gets served.
2) it shows that TNT has officially become the worst network on TV. Check out Kenny the Jet in his bow tie trying to "pump it up" with the crowd. He looks like a nerdy version of Arsenio Hall. That's tough to pull off.
3) This is the second post about women beating men in push up contest in 4 days. Impressive. I think i have exhausted that topic.

http://youbeenblinded.com/video-charles-barkley-loses-to-woman-in-pushup-contest/3145

Guy Gerkin his Turk on the subway...DO NOT SLEEP ON THE TRAIN!!!

I dont usually take off of others people blogs but this i had to send out. yes its disgusting and yes its true, all i can say is dont let it happen to you.
thats my friday haiku...

Interesting story courtesy of HollaBackNYC. A case of Jackin' It — NYC subway style. Read and shudder to think.
I'm writing to report an incident that happened to me on the subway today. At approximately 9:30am on the D train going between Atlantic-Pacific St. and Grand St. (right before the Manhattan Bridge), I awoke to the sight of a man masturbating on my arm.
I was napping with my iPod on, and I woke up because I felt something repeatedly hitting and rubbing up to my arm. When I looked down, I saw an uncircumcised penis being masturbated right on top of my arm. Luckily, he hadn't finished yet. (Though the police mentioned that it would have been better to have DNA evidence. Ew.) I immediately screamed something like "OH MY GOD, GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER!"
At that point, the man mumbled something like "sorry" and walked quickly through the crowd to the other side of the train. I was stunned that no one tried to stop him, and even shifted to let him through. I screamed again "DID ANYONE SEE THAT? THAT ASSHOLE WAS MASTURBATING ON ME!"
No one did anything. No one saw his penis, because my arm was covering it.
So I took my camera-phone out and went after him. He had taken a seat more towards the front of the carriage and pretended to be asleep. I snapped these two pictures of him (attached). And then when I was done, I screamed again "I'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE NOW, YOU SICK FUCK. I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!" Of course, this got the attention of everyone around us and everyone was staring at us except the pervert who was still pretending to be asleep. There was no way he didn't hear me. So I went back to my seat.
Later I did report him to the police, and am still waiting to hear back.
Submitted by Alice