Thursday, October 1, 2009
So Lawrence was sent home, he is from the Charleston, SC area and his parents, Tom and Jean, were loving folks who had raised 3 other children, Chris, the oldest and then his two sisters Anne and Margaret. All the other children were normal except for little Lawrence. Lawrence was always happy and bright eyed as a baby but as certain parts of his body grew, there was no place for his torso to develop. He was basically a head with a short neck and small area of skin and bone that connected to the lower extremities. His organ were intact but compacted into a smaller space than most people and he had a large protrusion off his backside. His arm pits lie just above his hips. He stands 4', 10".
Everything from the waste down and the neck up functioned just like anyone else. Despite the physical disability Lawrence lived a normal existence health wise, however, he has never been accepted in “the real world” and outside of his family’s small farm ranch house and dusty backyard off Route 17,people think he is freak. Everywhere he goes Lawrence is known by one name and one name only, No Torso Man. He used to hate the name and jeers and the insults but what he really hated most was that he would never look “just like them” and he knew it, but none ever knew what it was like to be “just like him” either. Lawrence had been hiding his feeling and something else for a long time.
As a kid when he played sports they had to put the number for his jersey on his ass and crotch. When he went to prom in high school he couldn’t wear a tux because he couldn’t sport a cumber bund and with no torso a vest would look even worse. When the abdominal fitness craze of the early 90s hit and it was “6 minute abs” here “washboard this” “marky mark got paid what for his abs??”And “I have a Crunch board, that’s how! You stupid No Torsoed Freak Show” it was especially hard on No torso man. But he never shared what he was going through, the pain, the cruelty, the hurt. That is not until now.
Behind the façade No Torso Man was a small ship in a rough ocean, and the rain never seemed to stop. He tried to beat the swell back and keep his boat afloat but at times he began to sink. He knew the people who loved him felt sorry for him and that others never took the time to get to know and see he was a person who laughs and cried and bled just like them.
The interview you are about to hear is No Torso Man’s first public appearance since taking the microphone at a presidential town hall meeting and exposing himself under a long raincoat to be the most well endowed man most people have ever seen. If you have lived with the Bambuti Pygmies you are granted exemption from that class. For everyone else however, it was a shock. That day he let the world know that while he may not have a torso, he does have a voice…and one hell of a hammer. The clip received 26 million you tube hits before being taken down and No torso Man was a sensation. People took to him because they felt his pain, they too, in smaller ways knew what it was like to be insecure and wish your body looked different. At first he was embraced. He invited everywhere from the White House to meet with President Obama to Jay Leno, Oprah, the list was endless. In the Presidents words “You know, let me be clear, this is not some ordinary piece of equipment, we are dealing with something entirely new here. I know Joe and I haven’t and Nancy...well…actually Nancy probably has but this equipment should be celebrated with a beer in the garden. This is unprecedented” Leno gushed “how many guys would give up a torso for a package like that!!!”
No Torso Man has never taken one interview, after the event he slid into the darkness, until now. He needed the money like anyone and it would have been a great streak in the limelight but something nagged at him. He didn’t want to be a freak or a spectacle but he did want to be heard and he wanted people to know that despite what he lacked, he had a lot to offer too…and he was tired of being ignored and not getting the girls and no one being interested in him physically. It was his was of saying “You know what, this is what I have to say, and no one listens when I talk so why don’t you all say Hello to my Lil Friend!!” It was his own stimulus package if you will.
The arrest that followed from the town hall event and the people recogniznig him as the man who did the "town Hall Salute" put him in a bad spot. he was depressed, sad that he shamed his family No Torso Man was low. He hadn’t spoken to his family in months and didn’t even go to his mother Jean’s funeral because he so ashamed.
Now living in a rural part of the state No Torso Man has settled down with a very long torsoed women who he met a torso specialist. It turns out she wanted to get rid of her extended torso and he could use some of that extra space so they were a perfect fit. He says she is the only person who really understands him. She would not meet him until a year after the town hall event but that the event itself did not shape her opinion of No Torso Man. “Just because he doesn’t have a torso doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a heart!!, Shelly says. “I have seen this man do so many things someone with a full torso couldn’t do and he makes me happy.” It is at this point where no torso man goes back to being Lawrence Brinkley, the nice, shy kid from Charleston SC who just wants to smile and to be happy.
Here is the actual interview we did with No Torso Man.
Today, we are here with Lawrence and we thank him for his time and shedding some light on what growing up with no torso must have been like, how he is doing since the “event” and what pushed him to edge, what made this otherwise normal no torsoed individual expose himself in front of a national audience.
“Lawrence, thanks for the time”
NTM- Thanks Keith, I appreciate you giving me the time to explain what it’s been like.”
K-“there are a lot people out there think what you did was just some PR stunt that you pulled, but you say there is more.”
NTM-“I do Keith, I could have done a lot more things in different places that would have been better PR but I did this because I know many Americans, in a lot ways can relate to me bc they don’t look like they want to either and to a lesser degree I just felt like saying, you know what, i don’t have a torso, but I do have this piece of man meat hanging between my legs that should have a head with big teeth and scales covering it. I guess i really just wanted to let people know who i was and that i had something they might not..this was somethnig i had never experienced.
Keith-O OK OK, so you did it as a way of showing some people that everyone has something they should show off, is that correct?
NTM- more or less, I was just tired of people treating me like I was a zero and a disfigured freak and that if they knew what I had I would at least get some attention from the ladies, which was important for me, I was lonely and no girls ever took interest in me. I was a virgin if you dont count paying for it so it was hard on me, and my wallet. It was “oh Lawrence your so cute and cuddly” and you know, I got sick of that because im sitting there thinking cute and cuddly?? How about THIS, is this fucking thing cute and cuddly?!??!?! But I never did it.…..
K—Wo wow o Lawrence, sorry I asked, lets get back to the town hall event…you say you didn’t do it for PR but you had “PLAYFULLTILTPOKERNOW.com” sprayed down the side of your member.” That shocked a lot of people. Especially because of how many letters were involved…
NTM- well that, that was because I figured I was already doing and people had taken so much from me and i didnt have the same opprotunities for jobs like some other people so they approaced me about a way to make some extra money and i took it. i regret that.
K- It turns out the government wants to take that money back, is that right?
NTM- Yeah, they want me to pay 60% taxes on all the income because they claim that since my member is easily 5x the size of the average American member that I should be taxed accordingly. IT blows but what can do. Maybe if Uncle Sam had a wanger like mine they would see it like I do. I know they got huge balls though. That I can tell you.
K- Let’s talk about the aftermath from the town hall event and what has taken place since. What did you do after they released you from the courthouse and gave you the community service?
NTM- mostly I drank myself into a pants shitting stupor for a few months straight. Got mostly blind drunk and with my ass being so close to my neck I was literally up to my ears in shit. My nose is only a few inches from my crotch so the stench was palbable. It was terrible. I was completely on the down slide like I had never been before. There was one night, I was so low, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in a motel outside of Jacksonville and I been on a 3 week bender that took me through some of the scummiest towns in the pan handle. It was my birthday, March 18I gave a toast that day in a dimly lit strip club on a sunny day that maybe the good lord would strike me dead that night and put my sorry ass in a grave on the side of the road.” Well, I didn’t die, but I sure felt like I had. Turns out I did wake up on the side of the highway but the rain splashing off the mud flaps of 18 wheelers on the overpass let me know I was all too alive
I crept back to my rat infested shithole and took the belt off of my pants. I stood up on a chair and tried to get the belt over the beam in the room so I could get it over with. I tried and I tried and eventually I just couldn’t do it. Without a FUKING torso how am I supposed to reach this god damned beam to hang myself!!!??!?!?..” I fell from the chair and began to weep like a little bitch.Shit soaked, plastered and crying on the floor of a motel. What had become of my life? I looked into the mirror and I saw a wretched site. A man filled with self loathing and anger. A man who was alone…..
K- That must have been terrible, sounds like you really hit rock bottom that day Lawrence…
NTM- not so fast there Keith, I hit rock bottom about 2 days later after a skynard concert in Athens GA when they called the cops on me bc I did my “town hall salute” in front of a UGA sorority party after drinking grain alcohol on the train with a hobo I had met a few days before. Cops said I blew a .42 and could have died but if you asked me at the time I blew a golden opportunity to nail some really hot college ladies!” I drank someone else’s urine that day.” That i also regret.
K-Lawrence, again we need to stick to the topic here.
NTM- well you asked when I hit rock bottom; it was that day, in the holding tank at the Athens jail. I realized it that day when I was vomiting and shitting at the same time and other guys in the holding cell were turning away and also trying not to vomit. I remember looking into that stainless steel bowl with no seat and gripping the rim as I purged my stomach and my soul. It was the blurry vision of my gnarled self staring at me from the bottom of the bowl of a prison shithouse. Everything was loud, chaotic and painful, until for a brief moment…the water went still…
I fell into a trance, like in the movies when someone can see down on themselves.
K- NTM are you saying that you had an outer body experience???
NTM- I believe so, I mean I don’t know what to make of it but I do know that I was not myself that day and then from that moment forward I feel like a different man. I had a torso and i wasnt in jail and i had a haircut...it was like a breath of fresh air had been injected into my soul..
K-you seem much better, like you found some peace…When did you meet Shelly?
NTM- well we met after my birthday when i was really low and we just kind of fit together, in more ways than one. We met at a torso specialist in Charlotte and she was there to take some off and I was there to put some on. We never went through with it because we realized after that day that we are who we are….and we accepted each other for that reason so it was a real match. It changed my life. I am blessed. I used to feel like the old characters I read about and identified with. The hunchbacks, trolls, gnomes and the other disfigured characters in history. Now I feel like a normal person, except of course for this hammer I carry around, but ive always known i had this, it just took one major event for everyone else to know it too.
K-I know you are moving forward, I know you were offered a spot on the new Survivor and that some less than reputable people have offered you roles in the erotic film industry but by and large you haven’t taken any money offers from people since the Town Hall event. Does that speak to you trying to move past this and get on w your life?
NTM- thats exactly it Keith, I think there is a lot of people in the world with issues, and I am not different. But I also know that some dudes would kill to have a cock like this so I am just going to take in stride. We found out recently that Shelly is pregnant. IT is our hope that with the torsos we have that our little one will fall in the middle and have a normal torso and a normal life. I didn’t want to call attention to myself, I just wanted to be heard…what I did was a mistake but everything I have gone through has gotten me to this place, and this place is where I want to be...
K- Good luck and we look forward to getting an update from you and Shelly when the little one arrives.
NTM- thanks Keith.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sadly, times have changed in the neighborhood and the place just isn't what it used to be...Sure, the Gastonis have seen it all, first the great depression, then the roaring 30s, then World War II, Vietnam, the hippies, the junkies, the hipsters, the junkets, the junk man and even once the pro wrestler The Junk Yard Dog came in for a malt. Now, in this the greatest of all recessions, Frankie’s depression and greatest fear has set in. They weathered it all over the last century and they took their blows standing up, against all odds. That’s just the Gastoni way...
But this change was different. The Gastonis are feeling the pinch. Recent news of an expiring 95 year lease, sprung on them by their lawyer telling em to sell to HIS BROTHA IN LAW Shimon in Brooklyn, coupled with the fitness/workout revolution and people buying less malts, they are between a rock and a hard place. While cleaning the back store room on ave A a few days ago Frankie discovered something that had been placed under the original linoleum on the floor. As they moved the freezer they removed some of the floor tiles.
..What they found would shape this family, this shop, and this neighborhood forever.
The note was scribbled on an old ice cream container sheet that read "five gallons of chocolate swirl'." It read, "To whoever finds this note, know that i will always be watching down on this malt shop when i go. The gates of my heaven lie just above 2nd ave and ave A, and forever there, i will remain. ..You all i know i wish for the malt shop to remain in the family, but most of all i want it to remain in your hearts and in your minds. Do not let the Malt die...
Signed "Papa Bear, Sept 26th, 1924.”
Frankie sat down, not sure if he was having his fourth heart attack or if the words he had just read were burning into his soul... Either way, he needed help. He showed it to Richey, who dismissed it as "anyone coulda put dat dere' Frankie”. Typical statement as the dumb fuck that he is...Richey was a mutt, but he was Frankie’s sista Gina's mutt. But to Frankie, this was no passing moment; this was a milestone in life. And man doesn’t get many milestones in life to pump the brakes, take stock of the winds and the air around you, inhale and plot your course. Move forward...Frankie knew this all too well .He missed some milestones in his life before. Like the time Tommy Carvel himself walked into that malt shop when he was a kid and he begged his dad to sell. His dad said he felt an obligation to the place, a duty. The other time when Richey had the boys from Jamba Juice calling about buying them out for "100000x what you have invested." Frankie remembers thinking "invested?” "What the hell does some geek in a glass office tower know what i have, no, what WE, the GASTONIS have invested in this place?" Like i said, the Gastonis have seen it all, and through it all the y kept the shop. It was as much a part of him as his own flesh and he wasn’t letting it go.
Frankie slept on Papa Bear's note and thought it over for the night, not mentioning nuttin to his wife, or anybody else. He felt the weight of mounting bills, having to lay off employees, less malts coming out the machine, the expiring lease, his own health, having to sleep w a 400 lb woman on a regular basis, Frankie had a lot on his plate. Maybe selling the place to his lawyer’s brother in law really was best. This whole malt thing was a tough business. Maybe those guys were right, maybe he needed to diversify, maybe offer wraps and some cool jazz infused hipster vibe. He was having second thoughts.
...It was at this thought that Frankie awoke from a bad dream...He was sweating, but he always sweat, he was a Gastoni for Christ sake...this sweat was different. Made him pauses think twice about what he had just dreamed....
It made him sick, he couldn't sleep.
Frankie got up around 330 AM and went down to the shop. He fired up that malt machine and starting mixing his potions...Frankie took a stand that morning....and he is never going to look back...
What follows is a dialogue between Frankie and the three employees at the shop. Its 9 am. Frankie’s been there six hours and the place is humming like an old ford factory (pre 1980s)...the 3 employees arrive and all are a little taken a back. The shop had been slow and this much activity was atypical. They thought they may be losing their jobs or maybe that Frankie had lost his mind...at least one of them really needed that job...
The shy Chinese kid from the Chicago who is going to cooper union on an engineering scholarship knows enough to not ask questions of Frankie, he’s smart. the other guy is a hard working Mexican who is lactose intolerant and doesn't care what Frankie makes or how he makes it, he just wants TO MAKE IT too, he too is smart enough to not ask questions, especially since Frankie will slap him if he speaks Mexican. The third one is a skinny jean wearing, thin as a rail want to be junkie who gives hand jobs for pleasure, not even for the drug money. And Frankie really doesn’t like him. But of course, he’s the one who starts in...
Hipster-"excuse me mister gastoni, is everything alright? You look like your sweating pretty badly, everything alright"
Frankie-"Sweating pretty bad huh? Is that what you said?" (His edge was palpable and he looked like an 18 wheeler doing 80 in second gear...)
Hipster-"no, no i was just"
Frankie -"you don't know the first thing about sweat kid... i been sweating all my life, since i was 5 year old i been making fraps, malts, shakes, everything you can suck through a straw i made it!! My old man made it. And his old man and his old man before it. We are Gastonis!!! and i will be damned if nearly a hundred years of history is going to be passed on to the likes of you, and the other punks in this neighborhood. While your daddy was sucking things through straws up his nose and smoking pickle at prep school i worked full time, 7 days a week. I made my bones while your daddy was swallowing them.
Hipster-.(Takes three slow steps back as the Mexican and Chinese guy began moving away from him...he’s scared, and he should be.)(
Frankie -"listen boys, what we got here is a good old fashion stand off...i don't plan on shutting this place down like people expect me to, i plan on fighting this thing all the way to the end. They are going to have to pry that last malt from my cold dead fingers, but i will go out in Gastonis, this malt shop, one way or another. My question to you chree right here, and Chang (he Asian kid from Chicago), i need you to listen up and translate this to the Mexican...”i want you guys to fight with me to keep this place open, to keep the Gastoni name alive... (Tears well up, he is red, sweaty, and the boys sense he has labored over this decision more than most and that he is "all in")
Chang- "hector said he’s down, i think im in too mister gastoni, i mean, what do we have to lose???" "This shop is all you have.”
Knowing that the hipster (Craig) is too scared to speak Frankie leans in and puts the note on the table and motions the boys over to the table...he pulls the bulb dangling from the light string above and reads it to the boys. They now grasp the weight that Frankie has been walking around with. .they didn't know about the lease or the lawyer or Tommy Carvel or Jamba Juice or anything else, they just knew Frankie and what the malt shop is today... they know nothing about the history, other than the black and white photos of Papa Bear and some other old employees there was no written history. Like many long time New York City establishments, it just was. It was, is and will always be "Gastonis Malt shop."
Frankie -"papa bear is up there looking down right now boys, and i think we just gave him his answer....lets get to work." (He slams his hand down for a group shake and they all agree, it’s them against the world and its time to make some of the best malts this city and world have ever tasted.
End of scene 1
The following story is a fight to keep Gastonis open, to make it even bigger and better than before. To make it the best damn malt shop the world has ever seen. Frankie always has been a dreamer. Let’s see where this dream takes us...
I present to you
The Last Malts.......
Monday, August 17, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
I know he is a numb nuts and prides himself on his simpleton ways but there is a lovable side to the guy. I think in some ways a lot of people wish they could say "i don't give a ...." and really mean it. When i hear John Daly speak i actually believe it. He reminds me of David Allan Coe in that way. A true redneck who don't give a what about anything that you may say or think about him. I also kind of want a tourney that is not all Tiger driven, so his missing the cut will spice things up.
Things are looking very interesting as far as weather concerns and the players atop the leader board.
It would be great to see a really out of shape fat guy from the good old US of A take home the British Open. then shotgun a Budweiser tall boy with his tee on 18...
Enjoy the weekend.
Friday, July 10, 2009
As promised, i have finally gotten to video taping some things and i think i got it figured out so here are two videos of last nights annual Saki Bomb Extravaganza. We go each year for my friends birthday but last night was even more special. It is the one year anniversary of the founder of Benihanas death. His name was Rocky Akoi and he was a legendary character so every year we do a toast to him. Last night his wife was there with some of his friends and got her to come in to toast with us to salute Rocky. It was a great moment.
The second video is where things were in "full swing" after lots and lots of Saki and beers...Nothing like a drunken version of we are the world to get things fired up. A good time was had by all but we should have shut it down after that. took it deep and today has definitely left a mark. Thank god its Friday, i really need some down time! enjoy the weekend.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Next time you hear from Ole Stinky he gonna be a rootin and a tootin' come tomorrow morning...wish me luck.
Heres to Rocky, Heres to Darrell! Thirst Thursday T-56 minutes....
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Today is a great day..how i got my name, although I am pretty sure i have never been described as a Saint.
July 2, 2009
St. Oliver Plunkett
The name of today's saint is especially familiar to the Irish and the English—and with good reason. The English martyred Oliver Plunkett for defending the faith in his native Ireland during a period of severe persecution.
Born in County Meath in 1629, he studied for the priesthood in Rome and was ordained there in 1654. After some years of teaching and service to the poor of Rome he was appointed Archbishop of Armagh in Ireland. Four years later, in 1673, a new wave of anti-Catholic persecution began, forcing Archbishop Plunkett to do his pastoral work in secrecy and disguise and to live in hiding. Meanwhile, many of his priests were sent into exile; schools were closed; Church services had to be held in secret and convents and seminaries were suppressed. As archbishop, he was viewed as ultimately responsible for any rebellion or political activity among his parishioners.
Archbishop Plunkett was arrested and imprisoned in Dublin Castle in 1679, but his trial was moved to London. After deliberating for 15 minutes, a jury found him guilty of fomenting revolt. He was hanged, drawn and quartered in July 1681.
Pope Paul VI canonized Oliver Plunkett in 1975.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
That, and everyone knows America is the land of the Big Truck, Big Gulp, The Big Kahuna, and of course, the Big Pecker, and that we should stand naked and proud with our patriot missiles out for all the world to see...When my 6th grade gym coach gave that speech there wasn't a dry eye in the place and everyone was moved..but i think that's because we all had our clothes on and he didn't and we moved because he started chasing us around.
I love New York. There is never a dull moment and there is a news story on every street corner but the fact that our governor is partying it up in the Hamptons this weekend while everyone else "sweats it out" in Albany is ridiculous. I have nothing against Patterson and i know he inherited one hell of a mess but the actions he has taken (or not) show me that he either doesnt care enough to or cant assist in what is the worst state crisis we have ever seen. The empty promises and the daily speeches about how "shocked" he is or how dissapointed he is in the state pols is tiring to listen to. He is acting like a Drunk Ship Captain who is raiding the bar knowing that with the amount of water coming on board there is no way he can make it.
We pay the most taxes of anyone in the country and we continually get some of the worst people to represent us. New York, New York, insulting voters one billion dollars at a time. I know SNL has spoofed him and other people make fun of him for his sight stuff but even if he was fully blind he should be able to tell that the people whispering in his ear are full of shit and making him look like an idiot. He clearyl doesnt listen to the voices that are telling him to take control so at this point our good captain is just going to sail without the rudder and see where we end up. If it keeps going this good he may be invited back to Russells next Def Jam..
Its much more important to have a washed up hip hop icon that annoys the shit out of everyone he comes across invite you to his party then to actually do the fucking job we pay you for. which you havent done since you were installed after the other idiot before you didnt do what he was supposed to do. That guy was and still is as smug and arrogant as ever so i dont really expect much different from his "successor". I wonder, what if a state budget meeting coincides with Diddys White Party? Tough choices all around.
so, my "how do you look yourself in the mirror award " goes to the Governor. wait, that may not be a fair award to give him. governor, you get the "you got a lot of balls guys, award." i hope you enjoy it, and the burgers, im sure they were good.
My "you are a dumb son of a bitch to live in new york state" goes to me...and about 14 million other people.
have a good day. and dont worry, we will be fine..what me worry????
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I just think Reuters could have picked a less "S&M" type photo for the cover of a story on Iran..Unless i got this from that "other site" i read when i start my day..
The fact that someone went to the trouble to name a team after an episode of the Simpsons leads me to believe the owners of the team are the writers for the Simpsons, OR the owners of said team were higher than the Himalayas when they came up with it. Either way, playing for a team called the Isotopes as part of your re-entry to the league after a suspension for steroids is close to rock bottom.
What is actual rock bottom as far as I'm concerned is that 50 games is 27% of a season. A slap on the hand. MLB is basically saying that the worst offense in the sport doesn't even merit a full season suspension. Send him packing with no pay. Make him take random drug tests 4 days a week for the year and he can come back. What cracks me up is the steroids are illegal but no one seems to prosecute or charge anyone with these crimes. Who is Manny's dealer? They are designer drugs and Manny being nailed for them, then allowed to play again is BS.
MLB will never have any credibility if they continue to let people back in the game. Manny should be banned for life, as should anyone who blatantly broke the rules. I know I'm not the first to say this but Pete Rose doesn't get in to the Hall of Fame for gambling but a lot of these other guys will get considered? MLB is a joke, Bud Selig is a joke. I feel like the joke is on me, you and every other fan for liking this sport, supporting this sport and the ethics and antics it promotes. I am a Yankees fan and we have some of the all time juicers who have been on our roster and it has gotten to the point for me where i wont go to the park to see the freak show. Every home run, every 200 mph line drive will now draw my skepticism (from my couch where i am paying a fee to watch the game). Then of course, like a moth to the flame, i will want to go back and see them play but all the while i will know im being fooled. I have been pimped, and not in an Xzbit fixing up my car kind of way.
There, that's my high and mighty post for the month. I was just shocked to see Manny playing again so soon and in a month, it will be another guy and he will be off the ole' "Juicer Schnide" as i call it. then i will blog about that. It will be interesting to see how he is treated upon his return to LA. If i know that town they will overlook any past "issues" as long as he produces on the big stage...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The guy must have been thinking how terrible his day had just gotten when the police picked him up then he gets shot by random gunfire in the streets. I don't think he will see the "Karma" in all of it.
As i always say, we are not progressing, we are regressing. This incident just goes to show, life has a lot to do with luck, both good and bad...so watch your ass, and your back in this case.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Is there a better way to start the day??? Two primates shagging on the hood of a car? Its a "CTRL ALT DELETE" back to basics post. Where it all begins if you will.
If It were only so easy. One monkey laying on the hood of the car going for a ride, the lady monkey comes over, jumps on the car and seems to say "hey big fella, saw you rolling by on the hood of that car and thought you looked pretty hot so i thought i would jump on for a ride...and i dont mean a ride on the hood of the car." To which the male monkey clearly says "sure you right, I tap that and cap that right here on the hood."
Would you rather be this monkey in captivity getting it done on the hoods of moving cars or be a free man who never gets laid?
This monkey has chicks literally chasing him down to jump his bones. His Wikipedia page says he played a big role as a voice over in Jumanji and was a stunt double in one of the Jurassic Park movies. He is supposed to be in a new movie with Steve Gutenberg but it is on hold. What a playa...
Just something to ponder as you weigh the value of your existence today.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Then i got the "you took off too early on friday" speech so that put a small damper on things. The morning went pretty much as planned.Then i got to that point, mid day monday, post lunch. Not a lot going on, down time. Down Time is BAD. I have exhausted all internet reading and just asked myself "isnt there anything else thats utterly mindless that i could go to in order to pass some time? To me, this is the grave yard shift. Everything slows down, and not in the Matrix good kind of way. In the "holy shit my life is grinding by like a glacier going down 7th avenue" kind of way. I know i should feel more motivated but i also feel like i should be on a beach somewhere, resting these weekend warrior, washed up, busted down set of bones! When your day dreams get you through the day you are riding on vapors..
Its hard changing gears from care free relaxed weekends to work front with a lot of pain, tedious discussions and a lot less fun. got to pay the bills to get some thrills. Good luck with the rest of the day.
got some good videos i will start posting soon.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Another Friday at the Front and Fat Friday is in the house with more steak and bagel sammys from MacDonald's for the team and more of the HOT 97 morning show going on..Not hungover today so i got that going for me.
The best part of my Friday mornings are listening to the Hungarian woman who is early 60s in my office who speaks broken English give her play by play synopsis of the previous nights sporting events. "How can you let Derek Fisher shoot an open three, he has hit the most 3 pointers in playoff history along with Michael Jordan!." She is also a fanatical baseball fan. There is another woman who is about 75 and a really nice woman and she is the office manager for the last 30 years. An old school Italian New Yorker who is a cross between George Burns and Stalin but she keeps order and vetoes any stupid suggestions from the Peanut Gallery. For example, we have a Celtics fan and the suggestion that Marbury could take them over the top was met with "You better stop that talk or I will push you off the fire escape next time we have a smoke." Its a pretty cut throat place!
Amazing to see how sports can be a real bond for people that would otherwise not have a whole lot in common. Like most offices in NYC ours is a split of Yanks and Mets fans. This creates some friction when we are trying to watch the games in the conference room. Trying to get my boss to look at the Yanks side of the world so i get to watch them more at work. Although after last night i am not sure i can watch them play Boston again. Slip Slidin away from the Sawx..Damn Sham really.
I just got a video camera (hold the applause till the end) so i hope to be uploading more videos soon. I know its a streaming video world and I'm just a stream of consciousness guy. Got to keep up. wait i am keeping up, maybe I'm too far ahead and need to slow down, no i think i will just stay in this lane...
Have a great weekend. God Bless America!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The weather has forced me to be more productive with my time since i cant spend time plotting an exit to play golf or to hit a roof deck post work for some drinks so i guess that's a good things. especially since its getting nice out soon and there is much plotting that will need to be done.
I have created my "cause" by the way...Its called the Sunshine Coalition. Basically i want it to be sunny more than its not. plain and simple. i cant wait for the letter from the group that represents miserable bastards who are going to tell me that a sunshine coalition discriminates from those who just like being miserable bastards..that's not even mentioning the global warming alarmist who will say "Patty Big Dong, your Coalition is promoting too much hope for sunshine. With all that sunshine there would be too much heat and we lose the ice caps and the earf would heat up like a mofo.." Valid Point. Evidence that for every cause there is a protest and for every dream there is a nightmare. Stand for something or dont stand at all.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I love this for several reasons. One, a goat being cooked on a spit in union square must cause quite a scene with the smoke and stink. The cat rescue group being very close caps it all because they really aren't saving any cats there, or goats apparently. They need to be outside Chinese food restaurants and weird S&M places if they want to protect cats in NYC. Goats, like other animals that are eaten, are so far removed from the end consumer during their last precious minutes so people aren't horrified when they arrive on the plate with a demi glaze and some potatoes. Seeing animals slaughtered and bled to death is not pretty but they got to end up lying still on the plate some how.
I think NYC is a great place bc of these types of scenes. The people protecting cats, in a place where cats aren't really being mistreated and they are hit with massive clouds of burning flesh from a goat. I always say it but we are regressing not progressing. And that animals are smarted than us..in this case, i guess the goat lost but the cats won..i dont know where that leaves me but i haven't seen anyone outside protesting for my rights....wait, do i need a cause for rights? like starting a petition to be allowed to serve alcohol at any event where music is being played...THATS MY CAUSE. i think i could get a lot of people behind me. That and i want to start a cause to hope for good weather. its pretty inconsequential yet we can get a lot of people behind it who don't really have to do anything..that sounds a lot like most causes i hear about..Substance in our society means nothing, its the talk about action that is more important than actually doing something. that would mean you actually stand for something, and you don't want to be one of those people these days....
Friday, June 5, 2009
I am all for the community aspect of the Internet but Twitter seems to more about self indulgence than reaching out and expressing ideas. People who think i need to know what your doing all day can save it for some one else who doesn't have a life. I understand its a little hypocritical to say that as i bang out a blog post but i don't pretend to think that someone cares what i do all day.. they are called Parole Officers, and im glad i don't have one.
A quick hypothetical Twitter from my first hour awake today..
"OMG, Im alive, i dont think i lost any teeth...i need to drink less, why do i always get corned beef sammys at 2am on the way home. why does my mouth taste like a cat slept in it and is it possible to die from extreme gas? am i willing to take one more shot with a wet one?The Hobo in my below just woke up and is itching for more sleep. oh god, i almost threw up. that was horrible. i hate hungover Friday, i just want to curl up to a good Danielle Steele book and listen to some Carly Simon albums in my Snuggie..(sing to myself for a minute, Dire Wolf this morning)..damn im late. these are the days im glad i dont have a dog to walk.shit its late, what was i thinking, oh yeah, Fridays not all bad, i get to blog and maybe even send constant twitters about my life, my take on that life..(some delusional scenario unfolds in my head, that takes 20 seconds of me moving around but really just having a manic morning dream and then im back)..damn now im late."
see, did you need to know that? didnt think so. i hope this Twitter is just a fad..one that i refuse to partake in. I will just keep on bloggin..NO END IN SIGHT!!! have a good weekend.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Marshall Mathers, the man, the myth, the...whatever is trying to act all hard core like he is just too cool for school when the joke is played on him. Isnt there an Eminem song that has the lyrics "my bum is on your ....?" same guy who sings about killing his ex wife and driving around with her in the car and waving to people? His whole persona (before he tried to get hard core) was that of a prankster and someone who like to have fun so just because you go to rehab a few times in between albums doesn't make you hard, it makes you more like amy whorehouse or pete doherty and it certainly doesn't allow you to act like a little girl when someone goofs. he literally had a temper tantrum on live TV. "YO dog, that guy put his ass right up on my grill." I have a feeling he will come up with a song about Sasha baron Cohen soon enough.
That being said, im glad it wasn't my face that got bare assed by a guy on live TV!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I know there are a lot of inspirational/amazing stories out there but this one was the first i have witnessed. Now i know why people believe in miracles.
The link below shows him walking for the first time and the info for the foundation is also attached. if you have any extra they could really use the help. Also, i know there are others out there with similar kinds of stories that are inspirational and amazing please send those in and we can gain some momentum here. This is the first serious post in a long long time. TAKE NOTICE!!!!
http://gallery.me.com/califinn#100028Check this out! After 2yr and 9mos of hard work and determination Janne took his first steps with a walker last week! While it might not be pretty, it was perfect that day and will only keep getting better if we continue to raise the necessary funds to help all of our clients. Please pass along this video to everyone you know! We need the support of all of you and your family and friends to continue our mission. Donations can be made at www.nextstepfitness.org/fundraising.php
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I was never one to phone it in though, i fight my hangovers head on. Why take Pepto or Zantac when you can have the best heartburn of your life? Why would i want Advil or Aspirin for a headache? sunglasses for the sun? That all seems excessive to me. Happy Thirsty Thursday, lets get it on.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
For all of the terrible things we see on a daily basis i feel like Vick got a heavy sentence. There are rapists who do less time than he did. He was made to be an example and people got the point..The funny thing is, as you saw in one of my post is that in the Saudi Special forces you have to devour a live rabbit, hair and all after biting its head off in order to "graduate". No foul there, its a right of passage. Cultural differences always intrigue me.
Ozzy got labeled crazy for biting the head off a bird, in another scenario he would have gotten a promotion. Its a crazy mixed up world.
Good luck Mr. Vick, we are watching and i hope you surprise. This has all the set up of a TI 2 situation (the ATL rapper w all those hankerings for automatic weapons)... Deion Sanders is in his 12,000 sq foot walk in closet picking out his "redemption" outfit so he can stand next to Vick on the podium when he gets picked up by a team. Michael Irvin is thinking to himself "this guy got 3 years for killing dogs?? shit, i killed three hookers and i never heard anything about it." Ray Lewis doesn't want to say anything, he is thinking "I covered up and took part in a murder and i ain't even do three years!!". then he spouts of some Born Again blather about the Truth and Lord and thinks he is Samuel L Jackson from Pulp Fiction.
God i l0ve the NFL.
Monday, May 18, 2009
A graduating soldier from the Saudi special forces' anti-terror unit eats a live rabbit as part of survival training in Riyadh May 17, 2009.
I don't see PETA yet but they cant be far behind..unless they are women, then they cant get shit in Saudi Arabia anyway. They treat women like animals as it is over there.
Can PETA rally around women being treated like animals? good question right. What if you know a person who is treated worse than someones pampered pet.food for thought.
This guy better hope there is no rabbit flu around the next corner.
The Monday Slugger
Friday, May 15, 2009
2) it shows that TNT has officially become the worst network on TV. Check out Kenny the Jet in his bow tie trying to "pump it up" with the crowd. He looks like a nerdy version of Arsenio Hall. That's tough to pull off.
3) This is the second post about women beating men in push up contest in 4 days. Impressive. I think i have exhausted that topic.
thats my friday haiku...
Interesting story courtesy of HollaBackNYC. A case of Jackin' It — NYC subway style. Read and shudder to think.
I'm writing to report an incident that happened to me on the subway today. At approximately 9:30am on the D train going between Atlantic-Pacific St. and Grand St. (right before the Manhattan Bridge), I awoke to the sight of a man masturbating on my arm.
I was napping with my iPod on, and I woke up because I felt something repeatedly hitting and rubbing up to my arm. When I looked down, I saw an uncircumcised penis being masturbated right on top of my arm. Luckily, he hadn't finished yet. (Though the police mentioned that it would have been better to have DNA evidence. Ew.) I immediately screamed something like "OH MY GOD, GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER!"
At that point, the man mumbled something like "sorry" and walked quickly through the crowd to the other side of the train. I was stunned that no one tried to stop him, and even shifted to let him through. I screamed again "DID ANYONE SEE THAT? THAT ASSHOLE WAS MASTURBATING ON ME!"
No one did anything. No one saw his penis, because my arm was covering it.
So I took my camera-phone out and went after him. He had taken a seat more towards the front of the carriage and pretended to be asleep. I snapped these two pictures of him (attached). And then when I was done, I screamed again "I'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE NOW, YOU SICK FUCK. I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!" Of course, this got the attention of everyone around us and everyone was staring at us except the pervert who was still pretending to be asleep. There was no way he didn't hear me. So I went back to my seat.
Later I did report him to the police, and am still waiting to hear back.
Submitted by Alice
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Happy Thursday! hope it ends better for you than the HOFF!
this picture says a lot..it says "yeah i got all the money and ass in the world and guess what..when i get wretchedly drunk like you, i puke like ..
Reminds me of Fiddler on the Roof..do i not bleed???
i have been a victim of people taking photos of me while i was "meditating" and i have to say i dont appreciate it. just a guy who had a little too much fun..strike that..too much to drink! When you are that huge in Germany its tough to keep it all in perspective.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I went to a bachelor party last weekend for a good friend named Greg a.k.a. liquid G. to the left you will see him losing a push up contest to a girl. And he is wearing a pink pabblebomb jersey with a pink camouflage hat that we made him don. too his credit, he took a lot of shite with that outfit but he drank and smiled all the way through the day. Needless to say the day was a blast. As a Yanks fan i have to say i never wanted to see Fenway but im glad i did. The roof deck was great and we guzzled many a brew. This photo represents things as good as they got. it got messy and drunk from here on in but it was a blast. for the record, the girl who beat him was a classic BEANER, no not Mexican, i mean huge, nasty fat girl from Boston who loves the sawx..pretty standard really.
Almost 1 whole post without slamming Boston! Couldnt do it..