Thursday, October 1, 2009

This is the Story of No Torso Man...

In the world of odd shaped bodies, Lawrence Brinkley was a round peg in a square hole world. Lawrence was unique because he was born with no torso. That’s right, he has all the necessary internal organs to function like you and I but he does not have a true torso. The nature of the abnormality was not determinable at birth but as soon as Lawrence was born it was clear he was missing a large portion of the middle of his body. Because Lawrence was otherwise healthy the doctors decided to conduct no major lengthening process or traction or any other radical procedures when he was an infant. They thought by leaving the problem alone it may correct itself or maybe it was like a bad case of scoliosis, maybe they could correct it in a few years.

So Lawrence was sent home, he is from the Charleston, SC area and his parents, Tom and Jean, were loving folks who had raised 3 other children, Chris, the oldest and then his two sisters Anne and Margaret. All the other children were normal except for little Lawrence. Lawrence was always happy and bright eyed as a baby but as certain parts of his body grew, there was no place for his torso to develop. He was basically a head with a short neck and small area of skin and bone that connected to the lower extremities. His organ were intact but compacted into a smaller space than most people and he had a large protrusion off his backside. His arm pits lie just above his hips. He stands 4', 10".

Everything from the waste down and the neck up functioned just like anyone else. Despite the physical disability Lawrence lived a normal existence health wise, however, he has never been accepted in “the real world” and outside of his family’s small farm ranch house and dusty backyard off Route 17,people think he is freak. Everywhere he goes Lawrence is known by one name and one name only, No Torso Man. He used to hate the name and jeers and the insults but what he really hated most was that he would never look “just like them” and he knew it, but none ever knew what it was like to be “just like him” either. Lawrence had been hiding his feeling and something else for a long time.

As a kid when he played sports they had to put the number for his jersey on his ass and crotch. When he went to prom in high school he couldn’t wear a tux because he couldn’t sport a cumber bund and with no torso a vest would look even worse. When the abdominal fitness craze of the early 90s hit and it was “6 minute abs” here “washboard this” “marky mark got paid what for his abs??”And “I have a Crunch board, that’s how! You stupid No Torsoed Freak Show” it was especially hard on No torso man. But he never shared what he was going through, the pain, the cruelty, the hurt. That is not until now.

Behind the fa├žade No Torso Man was a small ship in a rough ocean, and the rain never seemed to stop. He tried to beat the swell back and keep his boat afloat but at times he began to sink. He knew the people who loved him felt sorry for him and that others never took the time to get to know and see he was a person who laughs and cried and bled just like them.

The interview you are about to hear is No Torso Man’s first public appearance since taking the microphone at a presidential town hall meeting and exposing himself under a long raincoat to be the most well endowed man most people have ever seen. If you have lived with the Bambuti Pygmies you are granted exemption from that class. For everyone else however, it was a shock. That day he let the world know that while he may not have a torso, he does have a voice…and one hell of a hammer. The clip received 26 million you tube hits before being taken down and No torso Man was a sensation. People took to him because they felt his pain, they too, in smaller ways knew what it was like to be insecure and wish your body looked different. At first he was embraced. He invited everywhere from the White House to meet with President Obama to Jay Leno, Oprah, the list was endless. In the Presidents words “You know, let me be clear, this is not some ordinary piece of equipment, we are dealing with something entirely new here. I know Joe and I haven’t and Nancy...well…actually Nancy probably has but this equipment should be celebrated with a beer in the garden. This is unprecedented” Leno gushed “how many guys would give up a torso for a package like that!!!”

No Torso Man has never taken one interview, after the event he slid into the darkness, until now. He needed the money like anyone and it would have been a great streak in the limelight but something nagged at him. He didn’t want to be a freak or a spectacle but he did want to be heard and he wanted people to know that despite what he lacked, he had a lot to offer too…and he was tired of being ignored and not getting the girls and no one being interested in him physically. It was his was of saying “You know what, this is what I have to say, and no one listens when I talk so why don’t you all say Hello to my Lil Friend!!” It was his own stimulus package if you will.

The arrest that followed from the town hall event and the people recogniznig him as the man who did the "town Hall Salute" put him in a bad spot. he was depressed, sad that he shamed his family No Torso Man was low. He hadn’t spoken to his family in months and didn’t even go to his mother Jean’s funeral because he so ashamed.

Now living in a rural part of the state No Torso Man has settled down with a very long torsoed women who he met a torso specialist. It turns out she wanted to get rid of her extended torso and he could use some of that extra space so they were a perfect fit. He says she is the only person who really understands him. She would not meet him until a year after the town hall event but that the event itself did not shape her opinion of No Torso Man. “Just because he doesn’t have a torso doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a heart!!, Shelly says. “I have seen this man do so many things someone with a full torso couldn’t do and he makes me happy.” It is at this point where no torso man goes back to being Lawrence Brinkley, the nice, shy kid from Charleston SC who just wants to smile and to be happy.

Here is the actual interview we did with No Torso Man.

Today, we are here with Lawrence and we thank him for his time and shedding some light on what growing up with no torso must have been like, how he is doing since the “event” and what pushed him to edge, what made this otherwise normal no torsoed individual expose himself in front of a national audience.

“Lawrence, thanks for the time”

NTM- Thanks Keith, I appreciate you giving me the time to explain what it’s been like.”

K-“there are a lot people out there think what you did was just some PR stunt that you pulled, but you say there is more.”

NTM-“I do Keith, I could have done a lot more things in different places that would have been better PR but I did this because I know many Americans, in a lot ways can relate to me bc they don’t look like they want to either and to a lesser degree I just felt like saying, you know what, i don’t have a torso, but I do have this piece of man meat hanging between my legs that should have a head with big teeth and scales covering it. I guess i really just wanted to let people know who i was and that i had something they might not..this was somethnig i had never experienced.

Keith-O OK OK, so you did it as a way of showing some people that everyone has something they should show off, is that correct?

NTM- more or less, I was just tired of people treating me like I was a zero and a disfigured freak and that if they knew what I had I would at least get some attention from the ladies, which was important for me, I was lonely and no girls ever took interest in me. I was a virgin if you dont count paying for it so it was hard on me, and my wallet. It was “oh Lawrence your so cute and cuddly” and you know, I got sick of that because im sitting there thinking cute and cuddly?? How about THIS, is this fucking thing cute and cuddly?!??!?! But I never did it.…..

K—Wo wow o Lawrence, sorry I asked, lets get back to the town hall event…you say you didn’t do it for PR but you had “” sprayed down the side of your member.” That shocked a lot of people. Especially because of how many letters were involved…

NTM- well that, that was because I figured I was already doing and people had taken so much from me and i didnt have the same opprotunities for jobs like some other people so they approaced me about a way to make some extra money and i took it. i regret that.

K- It turns out the government wants to take that money back, is that right?

NTM- Yeah, they want me to pay 60% taxes on all the income because they claim that since my member is easily 5x the size of the average American member that I should be taxed accordingly. IT blows but what can do. Maybe if Uncle Sam had a wanger like mine they would see it like I do. I know they got huge balls though. That I can tell you.

K- Let’s talk about the aftermath from the town hall event and what has taken place since. What did you do after they released you from the courthouse and gave you the community service?

NTM- mostly I drank myself into a pants shitting stupor for a few months straight. Got mostly blind drunk and with my ass being so close to my neck I was literally up to my ears in shit. My nose is only a few inches from my crotch so the stench was palbable. It was terrible. I was completely on the down slide like I had never been before. There was one night, I was so low, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in a motel outside of Jacksonville and I been on a 3 week bender that took me through some of the scummiest towns in the pan handle. It was my birthday, March 18I gave a toast that day in a dimly lit strip club on a sunny day that maybe the good lord would strike me dead that night and put my sorry ass in a grave on the side of the road.” Well, I didn’t die, but I sure felt like I had. Turns out I did wake up on the side of the highway but the rain splashing off the mud flaps of 18 wheelers on the overpass let me know I was all too alive

I crept back to my rat infested shithole and took the belt off of my pants. I stood up on a chair and tried to get the belt over the beam in the room so I could get it over with. I tried and I tried and eventually I just couldn’t do it. Without a FUKING torso how am I supposed to reach this god damned beam to hang myself!!!??!?!?..” I fell from the chair and began to weep like a little bitch.Shit soaked, plastered and crying on the floor of a motel. What had become of my life? I looked into the mirror and I saw a wretched site. A man filled with self loathing and anger. A man who was alone…..

K- That must have been terrible, sounds like you really hit rock bottom that day Lawrence…

NTM- not so fast there Keith, I hit rock bottom about 2 days later after a skynard concert in Athens GA when they called the cops on me bc I did my “town hall salute” in front of a UGA sorority party after drinking grain alcohol on the train with a hobo I had met a few days before. Cops said I blew a .42 and could have died but if you asked me at the time I blew a golden opportunity to nail some really hot college ladies!” I drank someone else’s urine that day.” That i also regret.

K-Lawrence, again we need to stick to the topic here.

NTM- well you asked when I hit rock bottom; it was that day, in the holding tank at the Athens jail. I realized it that day when I was vomiting and shitting at the same time and other guys in the holding cell were turning away and also trying not to vomit. I remember looking into that stainless steel bowl with no seat and gripping the rim as I purged my stomach and my soul. It was the blurry vision of my gnarled self staring at me from the bottom of the bowl of a prison shithouse. Everything was loud, chaotic and painful, until for a brief moment…the water went still…
I fell into a trance, like in the movies when someone can see down on themselves.

K- NTM are you saying that you had an outer body experience???

NTM- I believe so, I mean I don’t know what to make of it but I do know that I was not myself that day and then from that moment forward I feel like a different man. I had a torso and i wasnt in jail and i had a was like a breath of fresh air had been injected into my soul..

K-you seem much better, like you found some peace…When did you meet Shelly?

NTM- well we met after my birthday when i was really low and we just kind of fit together, in more ways than one. We met at a torso specialist in Charlotte and she was there to take some off and I was there to put some on. We never went through with it because we realized after that day that we are who we are….and we accepted each other for that reason so it was a real match. It changed my life. I am blessed. I used to feel like the old characters I read about and identified with. The hunchbacks, trolls, gnomes and the other disfigured characters in history. Now I feel like a normal person, except of course for this hammer I carry around, but ive always known i had this, it just took one major event for everyone else to know it too.

K-I know you are moving forward, I know you were offered a spot on the new Survivor and that some less than reputable people have offered you roles in the erotic film industry but by and large you haven’t taken any money offers from people since the Town Hall event. Does that speak to you trying to move past this and get on w your life?

NTM- thats exactly it Keith, I think there is a lot of people in the world with issues, and I am not different. But I also know that some dudes would kill to have a cock like this so I am just going to take in stride. We found out recently that Shelly is pregnant. IT is our hope that with the torsos we have that our little one will fall in the middle and have a normal torso and a normal life. I didn’t want to call attention to myself, I just wanted to be heard…what I did was a mistake but everything I have gone through has gotten me to this place, and this place is where I want to be...

K- Good luck and we look forward to getting an update from you and Shelly when the little one arrives.

NTM- thanks Keith.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I present to you...The Last Malts....

In 1914, on the lower east of Manhattan a malt shop opened. It was called Gastonies. Gastonies was founded by Joseph "Papa Bear" Gastoni (given the name because of the layers of arm, neck and back hair that hid his skin) and his younger brother Peter "the Prince of malts”. For over 95 years Gastoni's was THE place for malts in New York City. It was a neighborhood stalwart, an icon. Many years have passed since Papa and the Prince passed the cities finest malts to everyone from the newspaper kid on the corner to every mayor of this city since the turn of the 20th century...The tradition was passed from the two founders, then to their kids and then their kids and so on...Today, its still all in the family.. A true NY tradition...Gastonis is run by Frankie (five chins) Gastoni, and his wife's brother, Richey. Frankie got his name for obvious reason; the chins were a result of taking down more malts than all of his customers combined. Frankie, to his defense, does make the best malts and he believes in his product. Richey doesn't get a nick name because he married in to the malt business.

Sadly, times have changed in the neighborhood and the place just isn't what it used to be...Sure, the Gastonis have seen it all, first the great depression, then the roaring 30s, then World War II, Vietnam, the hippies, the junkies, the hipsters, the junkets, the junk man and even once the pro wrestler The Junk Yard Dog came in for a malt. Now, in this the greatest of all recessions, Frankie’s depression and greatest fear has set in. They weathered it all over the last century and they took their blows standing up, against all odds. That’s just the Gastoni way...

But this change was different. The Gastonis are feeling the pinch. Recent news of an expiring 95 year lease, sprung on them by their lawyer telling em to sell to HIS BROTHA IN LAW Shimon in Brooklyn, coupled with the fitness/workout revolution and people buying less malts, they are between a rock and a hard place. While cleaning the back store room on ave A a few days ago Frankie discovered something that had been placed under the original linoleum on the floor. As they moved the freezer they removed some of the floor tiles.

..What they found would shape this family, this shop, and this neighborhood forever.

The note was scribbled on an old ice cream container sheet that read "five gallons of chocolate swirl'." It read, "To whoever finds this note, know that i will always be watching down on this malt shop when i go. The gates of my heaven lie just above 2nd ave and ave A, and forever there, i will remain. ..You all i know i wish for the malt shop to remain in the family, but most of all i want it to remain in your hearts and in your minds. Do not let the Malt die...
Signed "Papa Bear, Sept 26th, 1924.”

Frankie sat down, not sure if he was having his fourth heart attack or if the words he had just read were burning into his soul... Either way, he needed help. He showed it to Richey, who dismissed it as "anyone coulda put dat dere' Frankie”. Typical statement as the dumb fuck that he is...Richey was a mutt, but he was Frankie’s sista Gina's mutt. But to Frankie, this was no passing moment; this was a milestone in life. And man doesn’t get many milestones in life to pump the brakes, take stock of the winds and the air around you, inhale and plot your course. Move forward...Frankie knew this all too well .He missed some milestones in his life before. Like the time Tommy Carvel himself walked into that malt shop when he was a kid and he begged his dad to sell. His dad said he felt an obligation to the place, a duty. The other time when Richey had the boys from Jamba Juice calling about buying them out for "100000x what you have invested." Frankie remembers thinking "invested?” "What the hell does some geek in a glass office tower know what i have, no, what WE, the GASTONIS have invested in this place?" Like i said, the Gastonis have seen it all, and through it all the y kept the shop. It was as much a part of him as his own flesh and he wasn’t letting it go.

Frankie slept on Papa Bear's note and thought it over for the night, not mentioning nuttin to his wife, or anybody else. He felt the weight of mounting bills, having to lay off employees, less malts coming out the machine, the expiring lease, his own health, having to sleep w a 400 lb woman on a regular basis, Frankie had a lot on his plate. Maybe selling the place to his lawyer’s brother in law really was best. This whole malt thing was a tough business. Maybe those guys were right, maybe he needed to diversify, maybe offer wraps and some cool jazz infused hipster vibe. He was having second thoughts.

...It was at this thought that Frankie awoke from a bad dream...He was sweating, but he always sweat, he was a Gastoni for Christ sake...this sweat was different. Made him pauses think twice about what he had just dreamed....
It made him sick, he couldn't sleep.

Frankie got up around 330 AM and went down to the shop. He fired up that malt machine and starting mixing his potions...Frankie took a stand that morning....and he is never going to look back...

What follows is a dialogue between Frankie and the three employees at the shop. Its 9 am. Frankie’s been there six hours and the place is humming like an old ford factory (pre 1980s)...the 3 employees arrive and all are a little taken a back. The shop had been slow and this much activity was atypical. They thought they may be losing their jobs or maybe that Frankie had lost his least one of them really needed that job...
The shy Chinese kid from the Chicago who is going to cooper union on an engineering scholarship knows enough to not ask questions of Frankie, he’s smart. the other guy is a hard working Mexican who is lactose intolerant and doesn't care what Frankie makes or how he makes it, he just wants TO MAKE IT too, he too is smart enough to not ask questions, especially since Frankie will slap him if he speaks Mexican. The third one is a skinny jean wearing, thin as a rail want to be junkie who gives hand jobs for pleasure, not even for the drug money. And Frankie really doesn’t like him. But of course, he’s the one who starts in...

Hipster-"excuse me mister gastoni, is everything alright? You look like your sweating pretty badly, everything alright"
Frankie-"Sweating pretty bad huh? Is that what you said?" (His edge was palpable and he looked like an 18 wheeler doing 80 in second gear...)
Hipster-"no, no i was just"
Frankie -"you don't know the first thing about sweat kid... i been sweating all my life, since i was 5 year old i been making fraps, malts, shakes, everything you can suck through a straw i made it!! My old man made it. And his old man and his old man before it. We are Gastonis!!! and i will be damned if nearly a hundred years of history is going to be passed on to the likes of you, and the other punks in this neighborhood. While your daddy was sucking things through straws up his nose and smoking pickle at prep school i worked full time, 7 days a week. I made my bones while your daddy was swallowing them.
Hipster-.(Takes three slow steps back as the Mexican and Chinese guy began moving away from him...he’s scared, and he should be.)(

Frankie -"listen boys, what we got here is a good old fashion stand off...i don't plan on shutting this place down like people expect me to, i plan on fighting this thing all the way to the end. They are going to have to pry that last malt from my cold dead fingers, but i will go out in Gastonis, this malt shop, one way or another. My question to you chree right here, and Chang (he Asian kid from Chicago), i need you to listen up and translate this to the Mexican...”i want you guys to fight with me to keep this place open, to keep the Gastoni name alive... (Tears well up, he is red, sweaty, and the boys sense he has labored over this decision more than most and that he is "all in")
Chang- "hector said he’s down, i think im in too mister gastoni, i mean, what do we have to lose???" "This shop is all you have.”

Knowing that the hipster (Craig) is too scared to speak Frankie leans in and puts the note on the table and motions the boys over to the table...he pulls the bulb dangling from the light string above and reads it to the boys. They now grasp the weight that Frankie has been walking around with. .they didn't know about the lease or the lawyer or Tommy Carvel or Jamba Juice or anything else, they just knew Frankie and what the malt shop is today... they know nothing about the history, other than the black and white photos of Papa Bear and some other old employees there was no written history. Like many long time New York City establishments, it just was. It was, is and will always be "Gastonis Malt shop."

Frankie -"papa bear is up there looking down right now boys, and i think we just gave him his answer....lets get to work." (He slams his hand down for a group shake and they all agree, it’s them against the world and its time to make some of the best malts this city and world have ever tasted.

End of scene 1

The following story is a fight to keep Gastonis open, to make it even bigger and better than before. To make it the best damn malt shop the world has ever seen. Frankie always has been a dreamer. Let’s see where this dream takes us...

I present to you

The Last Malts.......

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thank God Marbury is no longer a Knick...

i don't know if anyone has kept up on Starbury since he fizzled for the Celts at the end of their season but this guy has gone into full manic behavior. the latest video, which you tube wont let me cut and paste is of him dancing in front of a mirror to "Im a Barbie Girl" and he looks like he is working at a strip club or at the Blue Oyster. In a separate video he is in his car and his driver hits something and just keeps rolling. In another one, he eats Vaseline out of the jar, he crys, he laughs, he mumbles...he has all the looks of a daily crack smoker, only he is in nicer surroundings, which 20 million in the last year can certainly provide. would someone like to take odds on his arrest for drugs in the next 6 months? when he doesnt get picked up by someone (don't mean the Eddie Murhpy style pick up, i mean in hoops) he will increase the crack usage and things will get weird, and because he streams his life for all to see, we will get a gross look at the fall from being an overpaid athlete to just a regular ole' rich ass crackhead.... stay tuned.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


We all know NYC has its fair share of nuts but i thought this was a classic photo. my coworker took it as he rode his bike down the west side highway path..this guy apparently has different costumes he goes with but he always incorporates fruit. the guy said he has seen him in overalls holding a watermelon with an apple in his mouth. this day he just went the simple get up of a soiled towel and two oranges, one for the mouth and one for the top of the head..and you got to love the statue like middle finger he is throwing out to all the motorists. its a great place. i think we should have a "freak fest" in central park and invite all the street dwellers and see who brings the best package of craziness, flare, originality and spirit, in that order.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Been a while....

I have not posted anything for a while, not for lack of things going on in the world obviously but i have been busy and trying to figure out a way to put better content on here but with some stories behind it. the cut and pasting of videos and well publicized events waters things down a bit so i am going to change it up and start rolling out some other things to keep it going and take it to the next level...Stay Tuned.
Ole Shtinky

Friday, July 31, 2009

This is classic...someone took Thirsty Thursday to a new level...

This is a photo is from a friend, he took it this morning. This guy has some explaining to do. We all like to take it deep sometimes but wowza, thats a new level. i hope he is in a detox center right now...for his sake, and the bulls...