Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Like Sam the Butcher Bringin Alice the Meat!

Not sure if anyone saw this ad that is sure to raise a lot of ire from the feminist community. It is for a new 7 inch burger sandwich that apparently will "blow your mind away." the description about sliding something long, hot and juicy in your mouth isn't all that appetizing either. BK says the ad will only be sent out in its Singapore market, where no man, woman or child can really fathom seven inches of meat so no one seems to be offended. They bring that ad campaign to the good old US of A where the flag poles stand tall and there will be an uproar..some people may say, "seven inches, that's nothing. what about a foot long? wait, that's been done." that scenario leads me to believe that seven inches, somehow so much more than 1 inch longer than the conventional 6"incher means that it somehow has sex written all over it ...i think its the woman with her mouth open on the ad that kind of sells the sex aspect but it is tough for me to pick up on subtle innuendos....

That, and everyone knows America is the land of the Big Truck, Big Gulp, The Big Kahuna, and of course, the Big Pecker, and that we should stand naked and proud with our patriot missiles out for all the world to see...When my 6th grade gym coach gave that speech there wasn't a dry eye in the place and everyone was moved..but i think that's because we all had our clothes on and he didn't and we moved because he started chasing us around.

The Blind Leading the....Oh shit, he is leading us!

GOV. Paterson isn't letting the mess in the State Senate cut into his party time. After insisting that Republicans and Democrats spend the weekend working out their differences and start passing legislation, the governor cooled his heels Saturday in Bridgehampton at a pool party held by Russell Simmons. Our spies spotted him "casually dressed" and "mugging for photos with two young beauties." The governor had "at least two security officials" who stood by while he partied until "well past midnight" and ate burgers.

I love New York. There is never a dull moment and there is a news story on every street corner but the fact that our governor is partying it up in the Hamptons this weekend while everyone else "sweats it out" in Albany is ridiculous. I have nothing against Patterson and i know he inherited one hell of a mess but the actions he has taken (or not) show me that he either doesnt care enough to or cant assist in what is the worst state crisis we have ever seen. The empty promises and the daily speeches about how "shocked" he is or how dissapointed he is in the state pols is tiring to listen to. He is acting like a Drunk Ship Captain who is raiding the bar knowing that with the amount of water coming on board there is no way he can make it.
We pay the most taxes of anyone in the country and we continually get some of the worst people to represent us. New York, New York, insulting voters one billion dollars at a time. I know SNL has spoofed him and other people make fun of him for his sight stuff but even if he was fully blind he should be able to tell that the people whispering in his ear are full of shit and making him look like an idiot. He clearyl doesnt listen to the voices that are telling him to take control so at this point our good captain is just going to sail without the rudder and see where we end up. If it keeps going this good he may be invited back to Russells next Def Jam..

Its much more important to have a washed up hip hop icon that annoys the shit out of everyone he comes across invite you to his party then to actually do the fucking job we pay you for. which you havent done since you were installed after the other idiot before you didnt do what he was supposed to do. That guy was and still is as smug and arrogant as ever so i dont really expect much different from his "successor". I wonder, what if a state budget meeting coincides with Diddys White Party? Tough choices all around.

so, my "how do you look yourself in the mirror award " goes to the Governor. wait, that may not be a fair award to give him. governor, you get the "you got a lot of balls guys, award." i hope you enjoy it, and the burgers, im sure they were good.

My "you are a dumb son of a bitch to live in new york state" goes to me...and about 14 million other people.

have a good day. and dont worry, we will be fine..what me worry????

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

You be the Judge...

If the green in the background wasnt a fashion staple of a revolution you would think this guy just busted out of the GIMP closet, with the cop from the Village People chasing him...

I just think Reuters could have picked a less "S&M" type photo for the cover of a story on Iran..Unless i got this from that "other site" i read when i start my day..

Talking Press Hop, now get up off your ass like your seats HOT!

This link sent to me by a loyal reader and it had me cracking up this morning....Talking bout Practice? Looking at this clip makes me realize that people have a lot of time on their hands but this is funny. trying to lighten things up after my tight assed post earlier...aka, THE DIATRIBE.


Mannys back, 50 game slap on the wrist..

Manny Ramirez played for some team called the Isotopes last night in a warm up to get back to playing for the Dodgers. Two things struck me as odd. There is a minor league team in AZ that is called the Isotopes and the name comes from a Simpson's episode where they are trying to move Springfield's baseball team and Homer Simpson protests the move(rightfully so by the way.)
The fact that someone went to the trouble to name a team after an episode of the Simpsons leads me to believe the owners of the team are the writers for the Simpsons, OR the owners of said team were higher than the Himalayas when they came up with it. Either way, playing for a team called the Isotopes as part of your re-entry to the league after a suspension for steroids is close to rock bottom.

What is actual rock bottom as far as I'm concerned is that 50 games is 27% of a season. A slap on the hand. MLB is basically saying that the worst offense in the sport doesn't even merit a full season suspension. Send him packing with no pay. Make him take random drug tests 4 days a week for the year and he can come back. What cracks me up is the steroids are illegal but no one seems to prosecute or charge anyone with these crimes. Who is Manny's dealer? They are designer drugs and Manny being nailed for them, then allowed to play again is BS.
MLB will never have any credibility if they continue to let people back in the game. Manny should be banned for life, as should anyone who blatantly broke the rules. I know I'm not the first to say this but Pete Rose doesn't get in to the Hall of Fame for gambling but a lot of these other guys will get considered? MLB is a joke, Bud Selig is a joke. I feel like the joke is on me, you and every other fan for liking this sport, supporting this sport and the ethics and antics it promotes. I am a Yankees fan and we have some of the all time juicers who have been on our roster and it has gotten to the point for me where i wont go to the park to see the freak show. Every home run, every 200 mph line drive will now draw my skepticism (from my couch where i am paying a fee to watch the game). Then of course, like a moth to the flame, i will want to go back and see them play but all the while i will know im being fooled. I have been pimped, and not in an Xzbit fixing up my car kind of way.
There, that's my high and mighty post for the month. I was just shocked to see Manny playing again so soon and in a month, it will be another guy and he will be off the ole' "Juicer Schnide" as i call it. then i will blog about that. It will be interesting to see how he is treated upon his return to LA. If i know that town they will overlook any past "issues" as long as he produces on the big stage...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Only in New York..

I love this town. the sights, the sounds, the smells and the stories. I don't know if any of you caught the story about the drug dealer yesterday who was arrested and in the process of being transported to central booking got shot by a stray bullet. I am not happy for anyone to get shot, but the irony of getting shot in the back while being transported for a felony you just committed made me chuckle. Only in New York. At least the guy gets to go to hospital before being sent to the lock up for a while.
The guy must have been thinking how terrible his day had just gotten when the police picked him up then he gets shot by random gunfire in the streets. I don't think he will see the "Karma" in all of it.

As i always say, we are not progressing, we are regressing. This incident just goes to show, life has a lot to do with luck, both good and bad...so watch your ass, and your back in this case.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Jungle Love, Its driving me mad...its making me crazy..

Is there a better way to start the day??? Two primates shagging on the hood of a car? Its a "CTRL ALT DELETE" back to basics post. Where it all begins if you will.

If It were only so easy. One monkey laying on the hood of the car going for a ride, the lady monkey comes over, jumps on the car and seems to say "hey big fella, saw you rolling by on the hood of that car and thought you looked pretty hot so i thought i would jump on for a ride...and i dont mean a ride on the hood of the car." To which the male monkey clearly says "sure you right, I tap that and cap that right here on the hood."

Would you rather be this monkey in captivity getting it done on the hoods of moving cars or be a free man who never gets laid?

This monkey has chicks literally chasing him down to jump his bones. His Wikipedia page says he played a big role as a voice over in Jumanji and was a stunt double in one of the Jurassic Park movies. He is supposed to be in a new movie with Steve Gutenberg but it is on hold. What a playa...

Just something to ponder as you weigh the value of your existence today.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Monday, workers block..

After a great weekend of sun and some serious rain storms it was time to man the desk again. This monday was a little different than others in that i was so sore yesterday I could barely walk right. It has been a while since i felt like such shit rolling out bed. I took some bad falls wakeboarding and went all weekend warrior and am now paying the price. sitting in a chair is not comfortable at all and i wish i had just phoned it in. there isnt anything wrong with me other than extreme soreness on the back side of my body from my back to the knees, and everything in between.

Then i got the "you took off too early on friday" speech so that put a small damper on things. The morning went pretty much as planned.Then i got to that point, mid day monday, post lunch. Not a lot going on, down time. Down Time is BAD. I have exhausted all internet reading and just asked myself "isnt there anything else thats utterly mindless that i could go to in order to pass some time? To me, this is the grave yard shift. Everything slows down, and not in the Matrix good kind of way. In the "holy shit my life is grinding by like a glacier going down 7th avenue" kind of way. I know i should feel more motivated but i also feel like i should be on a beach somewhere, resting these weekend warrior, washed up, busted down set of bones! When your day dreams get you through the day you are riding on vapors..

Its hard changing gears from care free relaxed weekends to work front with a lot of pain, tedious discussions and a lot less fun. got to pay the bills to get some thrills. Good luck with the rest of the day.

got some good videos i will start posting soon.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Never Thought Ron Zook and i had much in common, looking like TURBOS..

Sports Wrap up, Hot 97 and Fat Friday Yall

What up to the TGIF crew..Dublin called..they want their weather back..ohhh! kid is hot this morning. Hoping For Sunshine.Again. Again i was disappointed. Several days in a row of getting caught in the rain on the way to work.

Another Friday at the Front and Fat Friday is in the house with more steak and bagel sammys from MacDonald's for the team and more of the HOT 97 morning show going on..Not hungover today so i got that going for me.

The best part of my Friday mornings are listening to the Hungarian woman who is early 60s in my office who speaks broken English give her play by play synopsis of the previous nights sporting events. "How can you let Derek Fisher shoot an open three, he has hit the most 3 pointers in playoff history along with Michael Jordan!." She is also a fanatical baseball fan. There is another woman who is about 75 and a really nice woman and she is the office manager for the last 30 years. An old school Italian New Yorker who is a cross between George Burns and Stalin but she keeps order and vetoes any stupid suggestions from the Peanut Gallery. For example, we have a Celtics fan and the suggestion that Marbury could take them over the top was met with "You better stop that talk or I will push you off the fire escape next time we have a smoke." Its a pretty cut throat place!
Amazing to see how sports can be a real bond for people that would otherwise not have a whole lot in common. Like most offices in NYC ours is a split of Yanks and Mets fans. This creates some friction when we are trying to watch the games in the conference room. Trying to get my boss to look at the Yanks side of the world so i get to watch them more at work. Although after last night i am not sure i can watch them play Boston again. Slip Slidin away from the Sawx..Damn Sham really.

I just got a video camera (hold the applause till the end) so i hope to be uploading more videos soon. I know its a streaming video world and I'm just a stream of consciousness guy. Got to keep up. wait i am keeping up, maybe I'm too far ahead and need to slow down, no i think i will just stay in this lane...
Have a great weekend. God Bless America!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Summer Weather...head faking me

As you know i usually send out a thirsty Thursday email with something about how nice it is to get drunk on a Thursday night then follow it up with how miserable hungover Fridays can be. This weather is getting in the way of my thirst for beverages. I remember Junes being a lot nicer than this..don't get me wrong, i will take 5 days of rain for 2 nice weekend days (because i work for the man) but it is depressing after being head faked with some really nice weather. I work right next to the Empire State Building and right now i can only see up the first 30 floors.

The weather has forced me to be more productive with my time since i cant spend time plotting an exit to play golf or to hit a roof deck post work for some drinks so i guess that's a good things. especially since its getting nice out soon and there is much plotting that will need to be done.

I have created my "cause" by the way...Its called the Sunshine Coalition. Basically i want it to be sunny more than its not. plain and simple. i cant wait for the letter from the group that represents miserable bastards who are going to tell me that a sunshine coalition discriminates from those who just like being miserable bastards..that's not even mentioning the global warming alarmist who will say "Patty Big Dong, your Coalition is promoting too much hope for sunshine. With all that sunshine there would be too much heat and we lose the ice caps and the earf would heat up like a mofo.." Valid Point. Evidence that for every cause there is a protest and for every dream there is a nightmare. Stand for something or dont stand at all.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Regressing back to the "Olden Times"..when people cooked animals on the street

VEGETARIANS gagged as they passed Union Square Cafe Sunday and saw a bloody goat carcass on a spit on the sidewalk outside the East 16th Street eatery -- just 50 yards from where a cat-rescue group was offering tiny, meowing kittens for adoption. "This was a truly amazing and disgusting sight to see, and I've lived here for 36 years," one passerby said. A restaurant rep called its "whole spit-roasted Vermont Goat" stunt a "one-off" as part of its Spring Wine & Food Dinner and said pedestrians needn't worry about seeing other beasts cooked on the street.

I love this for several reasons. One, a goat being cooked on a spit in union square must cause quite a scene with the smoke and stink. The cat rescue group being very close caps it all because they really aren't saving any cats there, or goats apparently. They need to be outside Chinese food restaurants and weird S&M places if they want to protect cats in NYC. Goats, like other animals that are eaten, are so far removed from the end consumer during their last precious minutes so people aren't horrified when they arrive on the plate with a demi glaze and some potatoes. Seeing animals slaughtered and bled to death is not pretty but they got to end up lying still on the plate some how.
I think NYC is a great place bc of these types of scenes. The people protecting cats, in a place where cats aren't really being mistreated and they are hit with massive clouds of burning flesh from a goat. I always say it but we are regressing not progressing. And that animals are smarted than us..in this case, i guess the goat lost but the cats won..i dont know where that leaves me but i haven't seen anyone outside protesting for my rights....wait, do i need a cause for rights? like starting a petition to be allowed to serve alcohol at any event where music is being played...THATS MY CAUSE. i think i could get a lot of people behind me. That and i want to start a cause to hope for good weather. its pretty inconsequential yet we can get a lot of people behind it who don't really have to do anything..that sounds a lot like most causes i hear about..Substance in our society means nothing, its the talk about action that is more important than actually doing something. that would mean you actually stand for something, and you don't want to be one of those people these days....

Friday, June 5, 2009

Twitter, why its bad for you...

The latest craze of Twitter has started to really annoy me. first it was pod casts and blogs, where any jerk off can write whatever he or she wants (me included, god bless America!), now its the stream of consciousness updates from people letting other people know what they are doing at that exact moment..Today alone i have read in the headlines about Ashton Kutcher who is the King of Twitter, Rene Zelwigger who refuses to twitter and Terrell Owens who is Twittering about his house shopping woes in Buffalo. My dad is late 60s and he is talking about Twitter. Got a twitter from my 3 year old nephew that said "OMG, just deuced myself again uncle P, HA HA. stay tuned." This has gotten out of control.

I am all for the community aspect of the Internet but Twitter seems to more about self indulgence than reaching out and expressing ideas. People who think i need to know what your doing all day can save it for some one else who doesn't have a life. I understand its a little hypocritical to say that as i bang out a blog post but i don't pretend to think that someone cares what i do all day.. they are called Parole Officers, and im glad i don't have one.
A quick hypothetical Twitter from my first hour awake today..
"OMG, Im alive, i dont think i lost any teeth...i need to drink less, why do i always get corned beef sammys at 2am on the way home. why does my mouth taste like a cat slept in it and is it possible to die from extreme gas? am i willing to take one more shot with a wet one?The Hobo in my below just woke up and is itching for more sleep. oh god, i almost threw up. that was horrible. i hate hungover Friday, i just want to curl up to a good Danielle Steele book and listen to some Carly Simon albums in my Snuggie..(sing to myself for a minute, Dire Wolf this morning)..damn im late. these are the days im glad i dont have a dog to walk.shit its late, what was i thinking, oh yeah, Fridays not all bad, i get to blog and maybe even send constant twitters about my life, my take on that life..(some delusional scenario unfolds in my head, that takes 20 seconds of me moving around but really just having a manic morning dream and then im back)..damn now im late."

see, did you need to know that? didnt think so. i hope this Twitter is just a fad..one that i refuse to partake in. I will just keep on bloggin..NO END IN SIGHT!!! have a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

PHISH- Jones Beach..

Last night i went to the Phish concert at Nikon Theatre at Jones Beach. The trip started out really slow with a lot of traffic and even more rain. 6 guys in a car drinking with all the windows up in a rain storm is fun but not really what i was in for! The clouds and rain cleared and it turned out to be an awesome night. The music was really good and the band looked crisp. Some of it is a little too jammy for me but they are a jam band so you got to take the good with the bad. Loving Cup was the highlight for me, along with a few other songs,Wekapaug Groove was also awesome. That was what was good about it.
What was bad about it is that the parking lot scene is basically like a cops episode where there are cars and officers lined up all over the place and guys with binoculars and radios calling in police to swarm on groups. Some of the people call a lot of attention to themselves and are easy targets. a 15 year old girl walking around with balloons in her hand is ripe pickins for 5-0. Some of the typical funky hippies acting like they are on the great caravan of "the music" yet all looked pretty close to death. one kid dry heaved his face off i n front of us and looked like he was about to have a heart attack so my friend offered him some water. never seen someone take a breath of fresh air like that. I can only imagine what some of the ER bookings looked like last night. lot of people got their chin out a little over the tips of the skis by the look in their eyes.

The next major problem i have is that they don't sell liquor at the concert. That to me is unamerican. i don't like being told where i can drink and how to drink it and this place does both. makes no sense at all. one reason i wont rush out there for a show again. i like drinking at concerts.
The last issue i had was that the post concert parking lot scene was an absolute shit show with cops everywhere arresting people like it was a round up. we saw no less than 30 people arrested on our walk to the car. needless to say we didn't do a lot of tail gating after the show but that was probably for the best. Tuesday Phish concert is a rough front end to the week but you only live once.
Overall score of a B w the music being an A and the rest of it kind of sub par. had a great time with the people we were with and its always good to see some live music.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Eminem gets clowned, pouts his way home w enterouge

This weekend Eminem got goofed on at the Music Awards by having Sasha Baron Cohen descend onto him and have his ass put squarely in front of Eminems face. The whole thing is pretty funny but the best part is seeing him storm out in disgust, like the whole thing was too much, or too embarrassing for him to be a part of. Lets take this apart.
Marshall Mathers, the man, the myth, the...whatever is trying to act all hard core like he is just too cool for school when the joke is played on him. Isnt there an Eminem song that has the lyrics "my bum is on your ....?" same guy who sings about killing his ex wife and driving around with her in the car and waving to people? His whole persona (before he tried to get hard core) was that of a prankster and someone who like to have fun so just because you go to rehab a few times in between albums doesn't make you hard, it makes you more like amy whorehouse or pete doherty and it certainly doesn't allow you to act like a little girl when someone goofs. he literally had a temper tantrum on live TV. "YO dog, that guy put his ass right up on my grill." I have a feeling he will come up with a song about Sasha baron Cohen soon enough.
That being said, im glad it wasn't my face that got bare assed by a guy on live TV!