Saturday, May 30, 2009

Where is this morning's post?

This isn't just another one of those weekday, ill-blog-when-its-convenient-for-me websites, is it? I can find those anywhere.

Potentially Disappointed Again,

Mr. Schwan

Friday, May 29, 2009

Fat Friday

At our office there is a friday tradition (started before i got here) called Fat Friday. The receptionist gets to pick the fast food place that the office will order from and then they place it. McDonalds is usually the choice. Most hungover Fridays a sausage egg and cheese with a hash brown would hit the spot but today i opted to pass on the FF. As the food was delivered people starting pulling out steak and cheeses on BAGELS! I had had never seen this on the menu, and i dont know that i am gutsy enough to eat one but people seemed really happy w the results.
The rationale was that since its actual steak its better for you than the ham (swine flu discussion ensued, they closed four more schools in the BX today) and sausage, well, we all know about sausage so the steak apparently is really the healthiest option? Putting a steak on a bagel is ballsy even at your own house but to have it delievered to work from Mcd's is straight gambling. Watching (and hearing) people gnaw away at the edgs of the "steak" is like watching crocodiles devour a gazelle on the nature channel.
Maybe if im more hungover next week i will walk out on the plank and jump into what is sure to be a gut busting, heart burn making, large dump taking, no chump faking FAT FRIDAY!!! I will report back on that. It has been known to cause extreme cases of EAS (explosive arse syndrome). 1 bathroom in the office too.
As a show of what a loser i am, i have found a guy who actually reviewed the steak and bagel and he also sounds overall pretty positive. I think he also must smoke crack bc his other "cant miss" is the fish filet. his description made me want to puke... he writes about it like he writing penthouse letters for inmates. Happy Friday and have a good weekend. Was that enough of a post for you Mista SHWAAAAAAAAAN????
"The Steak & Egg Breakfast Bagel. Maybe your not familiar with McDonald's steak bagel. That's okay, its only been on the menu a few years, and around here MickeyDees isn't generally on most of our minds as a good breakfast choice. But you have to try one of these. I can't pin-point what it is, but they put something in these things that's got to be close to the human version of cat-nip. Let me describe this incredible sandwich to you. Take one Bagel, & some sort of meat that tastes exactly like steak, but looks a little like grey square hamburger, add sauteed onions, some cheese and eggs... and there you have it: McDonald's Steak & Egg Breakfast Bagel.Yum.To better describe this to you, I have to tell you its not the separate parts of the sandwich, its the sum of all its ingredients. The grease from the steak is like an Au Jus that soaks into the bagel just enough to give it that soft chewy taste. The jokes on you when your realize some technical genius put McDonald's greasiest food on a bagel that has a hole in the middle of it to drip on your clothes. I've got to ask how does McDonald's do it? I mean really... 3.95 for Steak, Eggs, & Bagel? No where can you get that deal. Try going to Long Horn Steak house and getting out for under 4.00 with an orange juice. I'm starting to wonder if the local steak restaurant is price gouging like the gas stations are?I decided to investigate. Yesterday while making my journey through the High Point road McDonald's Drive-thru, I asked the lady taking my debit card what kinda steak it was. "Whatcha mean what kinda steak it is?", she asked.Me: "Well is it a T-bone, Porter House, a rib-eye?"Her: "Uh, hun its a McDonald's steak."Me: "Oh, really. It does from a cow right?"Her: "Oh no, honey it comes from a truck that come on Mondays."Me: "Really?" I was now Doing that one eye RCA/ Victor Dog Look with my head cocked.Right about then I could tell I was holding up the line when the guy behind me leaned out his window honking his horn and yelled "Are you ordering the whole freaking cow lady?"I turned my head in his direction and began to yell back at him "No they come from the truck!" But then I realized it was a really stupid come back. So I stuck out my middle finger, and blew him a kiss. The McDonald's lady started laughing. I turned to her and said " Can I ask you one last question?" "Sure", she said.I asked, "Is Ronald Here?""Ronald? There isn't anybody by the name who works here.", she replied."Oh", I said (kinda disappointed), "Thanks"And I drove off to window #2 for my little piece of mystery meat heaven.Thanks Ronald!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Summer Kick Off

This is a photo that was taken this weekend and it is just after a huge rain storm. first pic of the summer. i am channelling my inner Bob Ross here..and it feels good.."just a touch of that liquorish blue on the pretty little sky line..this is my cousin Jack throwing down flex pose going 45 mph barefooting. good times. Love summa summa summa time. time to sit back and recline.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Inspirational to say the least!!! This is what its all about..

A friend of ours was paralyzed a little less than 3 years ago. He was a quadriplegic from a c5-c6 break in his neck. He was never supposed be able to get out of a chair again for the rest of his life. He has spent the last two years and nine months working his ass off and pushing the limits of what ANYONE (including the medical professionals) thought was possible with this type of injury. The process by which he made such huge strides is called Locomotion and apparently there have been some real breakthroughs in this therapy process. Janne has shown incredible resolve and strength in battling back from what a lot of people would have considered a death sentence.

I know there are a lot of inspirational/amazing stories out there but this one was the first i have witnessed. Now i know why people believe in miracles.
The link below shows him walking for the first time and the info for the foundation is also attached. if you have any extra they could really use the help. Also, i know there are others out there with similar kinds of stories that are inspirational and amazing please send those in and we can gain some momentum here. This is the first serious post in a long long time. TAKE NOTICE!!!! this out! After 2yr and 9mos of hard work and determination Janne took his first steps with a walker last week! While it might not be pretty, it was perfect that day and will only keep getting better if we continue to raise the necessary funds to help all of our clients. Please pass along this video to everyone you know! We need the support of all of you and your family and friends to continue our mission. Donations can be made at

Friday, May 22, 2009

Yankees hit 9 straight!!!!

The Yanks are chugging along nicely and i have to say as a fan of the team, i didn't think they had this in them. The first part of the season it seemed everyone, including the fans and media were walking on eggshells. It looks like they have loosened up and are playing the game with an ease about them. I hope they can keep this up...Its a long season, and im used to being disappointed but i like what i see.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Side Stepping arduous, tedious work...I can delegate with the best of em'..

In my career i have gotten wise, and it just hit me..why do something you could delegate to someone else?? i just side stepped a painful project that was going to put a damper on an otherwise nice day..SO what do you do when you see the cloud of busy work rolling in?? Look for the people having too good a time doing nothing..I just rolled up on a guy doing a Wikipedia search on the Astor family and announcing that "they been rich forever"...That kind of comment makes you ripe pickins for the project i dont plan on doing anything on..SO you divide it up with a few people and presto! BAM! things started getting done. i know if it were left on my shoulders there is a chance (large) that it would not get done as quickly. This blog post is coming to you on time that would otherwise have been occupied with a lot of cutting and pasting for something that is not nearly as.....good for the world. yeah i said it.

Thirsty Thursday..good drinking weather..AGAIN!

This chap got himself good and lathered up for his Friday work day..and he got there early, ready to open the shop at the crack of dawn after a long Thirsty Thursday..we should all be so diligent. As i saw this picture (by hitting drunk on google images you get an amazing array of drunk photos) i thought to myself how many Fridays i have gone to work in rough shape. There were days when it would be 1 in the afternoon before my feet hit the ground with any sort of coordination or cadence.
I was never one to phone it in though, i fight my hangovers head on. Why take Pepto or Zantac when you can have the best heartburn of your life? Why would i want Advil or Aspirin for a headache? sunglasses for the sun? That all seems excessive to me. Happy Thirsty Thursday, lets get it on.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Vick is out on the streets...kind of

So the next chapter in Michael Vick's life started last night as he was released from prison under the cloak of darkness. He will be on house arrest and other limitations but he is out and i think is going to be back in the NFL. I understand what he did with the dogs was horrific and he deserved time but he served it. he can now go onto fathering more children, spreading more VDs and assuming the last name of other countries, ala Ron Mexico..Maybe Canada gets the honor this time? Say what you want about the guy but he is one of best athletes we have ever seen. I would like to see him picked up by the Giants but that's just me..i will tell you why..NYC is a city that forgives and tends to forget. there are lots of people in NYC who raise fighting dogs and then kill them too. It is a part of the culture (unfortunately) but that doesn't mean it isn't going on. I have seen no crack down in the practice and see just as many dogs who have been raised for fighting in the streets (only in the bad areas) as i did when he was free.

For all of the terrible things we see on a daily basis i feel like Vick got a heavy sentence. There are rapists who do less time than he did. He was made to be an example and people got the point..The funny thing is, as you saw in one of my post is that in the Saudi Special forces you have to devour a live rabbit, hair and all after biting its head off in order to "graduate". No foul there, its a right of passage. Cultural differences always intrigue me.

Ozzy got labeled crazy for biting the head off a bird, in another scenario he would have gotten a promotion. Its a crazy mixed up world.
Good luck Mr. Vick, we are watching and i hope you surprise. This has all the set up of a TI 2 situation (the ATL rapper w all those hankerings for automatic weapons)... Deion Sanders is in his 12,000 sq foot walk in closet picking out his "redemption" outfit so he can stand next to Vick on the podium when he gets picked up by a team. Michael Irvin is thinking to himself "this guy got 3 years for killing dogs?? shit, i killed three hookers and i never heard anything about it." Ray Lewis doesn't want to say anything, he is thinking "I covered up and took part in a murder and i ain't even do three years!!". then he spouts of some Born Again blather about the Truth and Lord and thinks he is Samuel L Jackson from Pulp Fiction.
God i l0ve the NFL.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Animal Torture? what do you think would happen if they did this in the US military?

A graduating soldier from the Saudi special forces' anti-terror unit eats a live rabbit as part of survival training in Riyadh May 17, 2009.

I don't see PETA yet but they cant be far behind..unless they are women, then they cant get shit in Saudi Arabia anyway. They treat women like animals as it is over there.

Can PETA rally around women being treated like animals? good question right. What if you know a person who is treated worse than someones pampered for thought.

This guy better hope there is no rabbit flu around the next corner.
The Monday Slugger

One more reason i am happy to see the Celtics lose.

1) I hate Boston sports (partly bc i am a yanks fan, partly bc they are painful.)
2) I hate Ben Affleck and he likes all things Boston so that's a double down there.
3) I hate Stephon Marbury and am happy he is not getting a shot at the title.
There, 3 reasons why this Monday doesn't suck as badly as i thought it would..

Friday, May 15, 2009

Charles Barkely gets beat by a women in a push up contest..

1) This is pretty funny. Sir Charles gets served.
2) it shows that TNT has officially become the worst network on TV. Check out Kenny the Jet in his bow tie trying to "pump it up" with the crowd. He looks like a nerdy version of Arsenio Hall. That's tough to pull off.
3) This is the second post about women beating men in push up contest in 4 days. Impressive. I think i have exhausted that topic.

Guy Gerkin his Turk on the subway...DO NOT SLEEP ON THE TRAIN!!!

I dont usually take off of others people blogs but this i had to send out. yes its disgusting and yes its true, all i can say is dont let it happen to you.
thats my friday haiku...

Interesting story courtesy of HollaBackNYC. A case of Jackin' It — NYC subway style. Read and shudder to think.
I'm writing to report an incident that happened to me on the subway today. At approximately 9:30am on the D train going between Atlantic-Pacific St. and Grand St. (right before the Manhattan Bridge), I awoke to the sight of a man masturbating on my arm.
I was napping with my iPod on, and I woke up because I felt something repeatedly hitting and rubbing up to my arm. When I looked down, I saw an uncircumcised penis being masturbated right on top of my arm. Luckily, he hadn't finished yet. (Though the police mentioned that it would have been better to have DNA evidence. Ew.) I immediately screamed something like "OH MY GOD, GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER!"
At that point, the man mumbled something like "sorry" and walked quickly through the crowd to the other side of the train. I was stunned that no one tried to stop him, and even shifted to let him through. I screamed again "DID ANYONE SEE THAT? THAT ASSHOLE WAS MASTURBATING ON ME!"
No one did anything. No one saw his penis, because my arm was covering it.
So I took my camera-phone out and went after him. He had taken a seat more towards the front of the carriage and pretended to be asleep. I snapped these two pictures of him (attached). And then when I was done, I screamed again "I'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE NOW, YOU SICK FUCK. I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!" Of course, this got the attention of everyone around us and everyone was staring at us except the pervert who was still pretending to be asleep. There was no way he didn't hear me. So I went back to my seat.
Later I did report him to the police, and am still waiting to hear back.
Submitted by Alice

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Happy Thirsty calls for grog!!!! and lots of it.

Happy Thursday! hope it ends better for you than the HOFF!

this picture says a says "yeah i got all the money and ass in the world and guess what..when i get wretchedly drunk like you, i puke like ..

Reminds me of Fiddler on the i not bleed???

i have been a victim of people taking photos of me while i was "meditating" and i have to say i dont appreciate it. just a guy who had a little too much fun..strike that..too much to drink! When you are that huge in Germany its tough to keep it all in perspective.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fenway for a bachelor party, oh boy..

I went to a bachelor party last weekend for a good friend named Greg a.k.a. liquid G. to the left you will see him losing a push up contest to a girl. And he is wearing a pink pabblebomb jersey with a pink camouflage hat that we made him don. too his credit, he took a lot of shite with that outfit but he drank and smiled all the way through the day. Needless to say the day was a blast. As a Yanks fan i have to say i never wanted to see Fenway but im glad i did. The roof deck was great and we guzzled many a brew. This photo represents things as good as they got. it got messy and drunk from here on in but it was a blast. for the record, the girl who beat him was a classic BEANER, no not Mexican, i mean huge, nasty fat girl from Boston who loves the sawx..pretty standard really.

Almost 1 whole post without slamming Boston! Couldnt do it..

Mike Tysons Best Quotes..

Monday, May 4, 2009

Pete Seeger Clearwater Concert Review

Last night i was fortunate enough to get a ticket to Pete Seegers "singalong" at MSG. The special guests were amazing. Bruce Springsteen,Dave Matthews, Taj Mahal and Kris Kristofferson were among my favorites. The show itself was definitely good to see and i am glad i was there. we got there two hours late but i cant say i could have sat through four is why.
1) this made bible camp look like a gang bang party, there were groups of three women doing group hugs to "Turn Turn Turn"...there were those high school kids going through their "I want to be john lennon phase." kids with bells hanging off their jeans and a che guevera army jacket..that crowd. I say that with confidence no readers of this blog fit that bill.
2)a 15 minute amazing grace laced with a lesson in harmony from Pete himself. i mean no disrespect to the man himself at 90 years old performing but a group sing along was not what i thought i was in for. it felt like the worlds largest intervention. it is an amazing song and one of my favorites but this wasn't doing it for me.
3) THE CROWD!- never been around a more eclectic group of people, this crowd was real into the peace and love thing but not in a cool way, in that "I'm better than you" sympathetic "Peace and love, man" kind of way. Then there was the Dbag, ultimate concert DBAG! early 40s, Larchmont Yacht Club hat w another guy who turns around and gives my two buddies and i shit for WHISPERING! he said "this isnt a knicks game guys, its a concert, your ruining it" He started out the conversation with "call security!" If anyone stood up in his line sight he would give them the verbal 50 caliber and cup his hands and scream "down in front" like he was Patton himself. Before Bruce came out the crowd did the customary "BRUUUUUCE" and he was pissed saying "guy hasnt played one note yet and everyone screams." a true delight to sit behind. should have spilled my awful tasting beer on him..the beer wa worse than old pong beer thats been sitting on a table for 2 days. gave me gut rot and gas that should be used against our enemies in battle. THE PBOMB BABY!
Back to the guy...dromroll please..
My Dick Attending Concert ("DAC") award goes to you my tight assed friend. enjoy the rest of your life as a miserable son of a bitch. There, that felt better...cathartic. Happy rainy monday.