Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I was thinking the other day that sometimes when I look around I think the human race is taking steps backwards instead of forwards. There are people out there that not only know the missing link but may actually have blood lines to this mythical half human. I hear so much about global warming and air quality and other issues but no one mentions anything about the quality of the human race and our inability to stay out of our own way. I think we are doomed and somewhere down the line in 1000 years when we are gone, Charles Darwin will be sitting on a perch out there in the universe, laughing his ass off. Allow me to elaborate and you be the judge.

Do you think at any point the cavemen looked at each other and said “man this ice age shit is heavy, not to mention, its going to be fucking cold!!, I’m not sure we are going to make it…times are tough!”
I doubt it, by the look of the fossils we have been able to uncover most of these prehistoric characters appear to be chilling, naked, unshaven and living the dream, camping out every night under the stars, clubbing bitches and bringing them back to the cave whenever they want. Sounds like a more relaxed version of outward bound to me. And now they got those Geico gigs and its all gold from there. Those guys seemed to have weathered the ice age alright, now living in Malibu, hardly recognizable after their high end hair removal program. I think it is the same program that Rosie O’Donnell uses to keep her back and face pretty much hair free. She got angry when a kid at the zoo threw a banana at her feet and asked if she was hungry (that’s what prompted the hair removal sessions).

It makes me wonder what archeologists are going to uncover in thousands of years when they come digging in the good old US OF A.I think it will go something like this.

Lots of fossils that appear to be underfed, over siliconed, over juiced, with extreme sun damage, somehow detectable daddy issues, inferiority complexes etc. (yes by then DNA will pick on emotions too so watch out!!) Next to this homoaccesororus (that’s what I call them) wrapped around the arm bone is a crocodile Gucci bag. Ironic the fossil they find also happens to be one of the oldest known creatures to roam the earth. As old as dinosaurs, see the irony knocking? Crocs will still be out doing their thing in 3000 years, we will be long gone at this rate. If I listen to al gore we are all going to implode when earth gets so hot we just evaporate, that’s happening now, and will happen again in 4 years when there is another election. His timing is good since that is about all I have budgeted for my life span..

These days we find vases, bowls, tools and other things. When they come digging for us they will find accessories! Sunglasses, watches, hand bags that dogs can live in while the aforementioned underfed, over sped bipeds saunter on happily ever after into the abyss of world history. The fade to oblivion is upon us and its materialism and overindulgence is going to get us all. I guess if you look at the Egyptian tombs indulgence was one of the things that got them. We think we have BLING now, KIN TUT was the OG when it comes to bling and excess.

I would like to start banning people from carrying dogs in their hand bags. You could be sitting at dinner and relaxing at a nice restaurant and next thing you know a shivering 4 lb chuwawa that hasnt slept in 3 days like its owner, comes poking out of the $4000 “puppy bag” and is now hammering back a porterhouse and a glass a Chianti at the table. We got to draw the line, animals are not accessories, unless they are dead, but we covered that already with the crocs. I did, however, see a show in asia once that broke that rule but that’s another post with another rating.

Now onto the indulgence part, the fun part, the part that is almost certainly going to lead to my ultimate demise. I like to call them the “staples” food, drink, fun. The trouble with trouble, for me at least is that it ALWAYS starts out as fun. Anytime I have ended up in places I would rather not have been, surrounded by guys I would rather not have tazers and pepper spray attached to their belts, I think to myself “damn, I was SO CLOSE to having a great time. I tell you this not as an anecdote, because I have a closet full of those, I tell you this so you don’t think im some high brow guy who is holier than thou. Furthest thing from it. I indulge like the rest of us, and it’s probably going to kill me but I have such a good time doing it I have to say I don’t care. Its like having a dirt on your windshield after driving your truck through the fairgrounds mud bog but knowing that dirt got there having fun, tearing shit up so you don’t hit the wiper fluid, you let it harden and stay there, it helps keep the memory fresh. Its kind of like that..

The simple fact is that we are smart enough to know good and bad and right and wrong and we just choose the one we want the most at that given time. I think there was something in the Bible about that, after so many years of catholic school I blocked most of it out. The other half I blacked out in college so I pretty much have that repression mechanism working flawlessly thanks.

Speaking of the bible I had an interesting thought the other day. As I scrolled through the 75 different “reality” shows on TV it made me think what some of these shows would have been like at different points in world history. For example, if there was a show called Galilees Got Talent back in the day when Moses and the boys were hanging out I think it would make today’s version a little less exciting. maybe it would go something like this.
The announcer says “all the way from the hills of Galilee, our hometown boy, Moses”
“Moses here says he can light a bush on fire, Moses, the crowd is ready.” Next thing you know…BAM!, the bush is smoking and the thing just goes up in flames. The crowd goes crazy and cant believe what is just saw. if this happened today you would have to provide the studio audience with diapers in advance of the trick. Then in the final round after a few impressive feats it gets down to the finals and the announcer asks Moses- “Moses, do you think you can top the two other contestants? You need 65 points to win GGT for this year..” Moses, then looks over and gives a “brother please” type of look and tells the crowd to sit back and behold the greatest talent trick the world had ever seen, HE PARTS THE RED SEA!!!

You watch Americas got talent and realize, maybe we don’t have any talent if this is what we put up there? we got one guy who can swallow a boa constrictor and have it come out his ass 10 minutes later. that to me is not talent, it is resilience on the part of the boa to get itself out of the colon of this freak who picked him up at the pet store a few months ago. In that case, it should be called “this snakes got talent.” That’s not a talent, that’s a fetish, one best served off a stage and not in front of TV cameras; unless its robyn bird then it is fully acceptable for public access TV.
Another example is this show where they put u on a polygraph to see if you are lying in front of a studio audience. Let me first take a side bar to say that any idiot who agrees to go onto a TV show where they strap you into an unreliable, not court admissible machine, and then proceed to pepper you with personal question until you squirm and the machine goes haw wire deserves such punishment but the true pleasure is obviously in watching these losers twist in the wind…the only thing worse is the slack jawed onlooker who cant deal with the suspense and starts yelling at the contestant who willfully went on this show to “TELL THE TRUTH MAAAAANN!!!”

In the middle ages, instead of a polygraph they used rocks, and instead of a chair, they used wooden poles and stretching devices. no buzzers, they preferred to tar and feather people who answered incorrectly. We all saw Braveheart right? I picture the set of the show to look something like that last scene. They may ask the contestant “did thou thinks of nailing ye neighbors old lady while shoveling the dung into ye fire out back? He says “no no, I was only trying to get me dung out of me wheel barrel.” The crowd doesn’t like it so they stone his ass anyway, same shit different day, or AGE as it were. The stakes were higher then.

I just think we need to put some things in perspective and realize we have had a pretty good run as humans, we account for less than 1% of time on this planet so it shouldn’t surprise us that we are not the dominant species in the grand scheme of things. Going to hell in a bucket, at least enjoy the ride. Oh, I almost forgot, try to reserve good seats for me when you get there, it is going to be crowded…

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